Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Teardrops of a clown

I want to write something today. I haven't posted of late and wanted to do at least an "I am here" post. I have spent the morning trying to find something funny to write but I can't. My brain is a mess. Events this morning have me analyzing where I am.

In my career I am stuck in mind numbing doldrums. I work for my parents and we live with them. I quit and "voila", it is sleeping on a park bench. I am caged.

In my marriage, my career is destroying it. My wife has zero respect for my job because I am paid with housing. There is little actual cash involved and since she has a normal 9-6 job she cannot see the value of my job. As you all know, I have a big ego and having to swallow it to keep the peace is not an easy task. Add to that we have no privacy and my parents are driving us mad. We had a fight today that went from zero to shit storm in no time flat. My last words to her were "FUCK OFF" and to be honest, I'm not sure why. When I got home I stopped outside and cried. I had no reason to treat her like that. No excuse for that behavior. I feel like scum.

In my spiritual life, my faith is dead. I know my atheist friends are giving a tiny hooray but for me it feels empty. I spent my life believing I had a Father up above looking out for me. I had a brother in Christ who died for me. I had the promise of eternal life with my wife and kids by my side. It is disorienting at best for that to just suddenly end. It hurts to think death will part me from my wife and kids. It hurts me so deep inside I cannot find the source.

My head is swimming. I feel like a caged beast. Thoughts of rage, fear, panic, and hate scream drowning hope and faith.

For those who come here to laugh, I am sorry to let you down today. Now you have witnessed the teardrops of a clown.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Have you ever thought of speaking to your parents? Seriously - Telling them you appreciate their help but you feel like your life is not moving on. I mean, monthly rent is much less than what you would bring home if you were working outside the family business. That's even including food. Perhaps you can work something out.

Then again, I don't know your family. Maybe your parents are hanging something over your head or are great at creating guilt. Maybe you could stay with a friend or with your wife's family til you get on your feet. Then again, I don't know that situation either.

I agree with Brock that apologizing to your wife is something that can be done. We always end up saying things we don't mean, especially to our spouses, when emotions are high. They are the ones we expect to read our minds and feelings and anticipate our meltdowns. We expect them to fix us before we explode. Funny how that works, huh? Then again, I do not know your wife.

Just my opinion. I wouldn't put too much stock in it, afterall, my name is Poopoocup.

Oh and I wouldn't bet on all of your athiest friends dancing the jig at your faltering faith. Friends don't do that. Well, maybe "freinds" do but compassionate humans don't. We've all been there.

Hang on, life's a great hike, even when you step in shit along the way.