Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Making up

Life is good again. Sunday afternoon Tiff was sitting in the chair after what could only be described as a tense week. I was walking behind the chair and out of instinct touched her arm. That one touch of my hand smashed the ice that had been hanging around us all week. So apologies were shared and wounds tended to and life is back as it should be. Making up almost makes a fight worth it.

Having spent the last 8 years of my life as a married man(2 marriages but who's counting), I have discovered a few things I feel I must share. Call it advice to live by. Much of it is gross generalization but as is the case when I generalize, I don't care.
  • Men: No matter how right you are, you are wrong. Deal with it. You could have Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, and Marilyn vos Savant on your side and you will still be wrong unless your answer is, "Yes dear, I don't know how I could have thought such a thing. Please forgive my having been born without the superior intellect provided by a vagina."
  • Men: The correct answer to, "Does this make my ass look fat?" is to have a massive heart attack on the spot. As much as you want to say, "No, your ass makes your ass look fat" it just isn't going to improve your quality of life. If you tell her no she will call you a liar and then you will never leave her sight again you dirty lying bastard who has broken her trust. Death really is the only out on this.
  • Women: Men cannot fully wrap their brains around the whole using emotions as rational arguments concept. "But that is how you made me feel" is NOT a real argument to a man and will cause them to look at you like you have lost your mind. Men like hard concepts we can wrap our brains around. You start using emotion as logic and we are lost. We are just stupid like that.
Take these little nuggets of truth and remember them. I can hear marriage counselors all over the world recognizing a disturbance in the force. I post this and a million divorce lawyers scream in terror all at once and are silenced. I really need to stop thinking I have that much influence over my readers.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Inked

So this is the tattoo I got Tuesday night. It is exactly what I wanted and couldn't have turned out better. Lucas at Electra Art did an awesome job. It is also the cause of the worst birthday I have had in my 28 years. Allow me to explain.

As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, I have planned on getting this tat for months. Tiff and I decided to make it my birthday present to me. Tiff has three tats of her own and it was high time I got at least one. We took our time finding the right artist and finally scheduled it for Tuesday night. I counted the seconds.

Tuesday morning Tiff was too sick to go to work and went to the doctor. She had somehow contracted the worst case of Texas quick-step ever. The doctor hooked her up with some drugs and as far as I knew, the problem had ebbed. I was set to drop Jasmine with her mom for visitation.

Tattoo time rolls around and I am headed to drop off Jasmine. I was stoked like you would not believe. I called Tiff to ask if she was ready and she drops a bombshell. She said something to the effect of, "I can't go tonight, can you re-schedule?"

My week was already booked solid so it would have to be next Monday at earliest. I had cash for the tat but the way things work in our house I couldn't entirely trust that would be the case for long. So I made a judgment call. Some might say bad call and you may be right. I went anyway and got the tat. To be entirely honest I really didn't want anyone there looking over my shoulder when I got it. I was mildly relieved that no one was coming along.

I knew Tiff really wanted to be there and knew I would catch some flak for going alone. For me it was a birthday destroyer no matter which way I went. I could please Tiff by re-scheduling and run the risk of not getting the tat at all or be a little selfish and get my gift to me on my own terms. Right or wrong, I thought I deserved a little leeway seeing as it was my birthday and I rarely do anything that is just for me. I rationalized that Tiff goes to the spa and otherwise does things for herself on special occasions, why can't I do this one thing to celebrate a year of such great change for me? I deserve to be a little bit selfish without major retribution, right?

Apparently not. Apparently spoiling myself without permission is an offence worthy of the silent bitchy treatment, even on my birthday. In fact the only conversations I had with my wife on my birthday ended in "You're such an asshole." I was wished a happy birthday by everyone but my wife. I spent the evening of my birthday home alone with only a bottle of Cuervo Especial, some beer, and Spike TV to keep me company. Happy fucking birthday to me. Whether or not I deserved it I will leave my readers to decide.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

On pins and needles

I am getting my tattoo tonight, hence the witty title. Tonight the mark of the wolf graces my shoulder forever. I am totally psyched.

My birthday is in two days and that has made me a bit reflective. I remember all of those old career days at school where teachers would ask, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" 10 years ago I was a horny 18 year old college freshman looking forward to my next bottle of Jack Daniels. My 28th birthday was like a lifetime away. I was lucky to have plans for Saturday, much less a decade later. I don't think I would have ever put myself here in my 10 year vision statement. Hell, I wouldn't have put myself here a year ago.

The whole ritual of celebrating being one year closer to worm food makes us take stock in where we are. This year I am 28 and for the first time really feel like myself. I don't have to conform to any one world view and can let myself be who I am without fear of disappointing anyone. Where will I be in 10 years? Ask me when I'm 38.

Mark Twain once said "Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned." I couldn't agree more. My longtime readers (and anyone who reads my archives) have seen my own process of unlearning the conservative Christian dogma. Today I feel a level of freedom in seeing old delusions for what they are.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Metalhead's lullaby

Next week is my 28th birthday so Big John and I had a guy's day out. We spent the day at Sounds of the Underground, which by the way I highly recommend to anyone looking for nine hours of metal madness. I am now burnt to a crisp from the Texas sun which was running about 2.5 million degrees today, have a headache the size of Wisconsin, and am sore from head to toe. When I say head to toe I mean even the muscles that control my eyes hurt. Yet in my ears I hear the metalhead lullaby. For my readers who have never experienced the pure rush that is the pit of a large metal show, allow me to explain a bit about pit dynamics.

Pit formation is a glorious thing to watch. First a space opens in the press of bodies that is a concert crowd. Then one or two slam dancers enter the space, rhythmically punching and kicking in a way that vaguely resembles having a gran mal seizure. These posers are soon crushed by the moshers in a violent orgy of rhythmic smashing each other the fuck down. The driving rhythm of the drums, the roar of the lead singer and the scream of the guitar whips the mass of hair and banging heads to a frenzy, ending only when the music stops.

Tonight I came to the realization I am getting old. About sundown I had to sit on the grass hill off to the side of the pit area. I laid back and felt the ground rumble beneath me. I stared up at the stars as the band "As I Lay Dying" powered through their metal anthems I was at one with the universe. Even now I can feel the rumble and hear the screaming guitars. This is the metalhead's lullaby.

In any case, it was an awesome day overall. Now I am going to sleep for about a week.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

The rumors are apparently true...

So I took the quiz and rumors are confirmed, I am most like Lucifer. Alert the press because these things are never wrong.


Which ArchAngel are you most like?

Lucifer. The most misunderstood of all the ArchAngels, you're most like the ArchAngel of Light. You've seen the darkside and have opted for something better. You need better press, though chances are no one will really understand your motives.
Take this quiz!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

CNN made me do it

I have been holding off posting these last few days because all that comes to mind when I go to post are rants and I was hoping to lighten things a bit. Then I read this on CNN.com and it set me off. To boil it down for those too busy to read the article, two more soldiers in Iraq were slaughtered. This time their bodies were so mutilated they had to be identified by DNA and were left booby-trapped at the end of a bomb lined road. What irked me most was not their death but the ad banner at the side of the article that said "Anderson Cooper 360° TV Exclusive: Interview with Angelina Jolie". For the love of Christ, have enough respect for the dead to turn off the fucking ad banner if all you can show is this trivial banality! Here we have two of America's finest found mutilated to the point their own mothers couldn't identify them and right next to it you have Anderson Cooper interviewing a crazy, reclusive, irrelevant, nitwit about doing something women have done since the dawn of time.

Has America gotten so stupid that an interview with a movie star counts as news? This takes me back to the news that more Americans voted for the last American Idol than voted in the last Presidential Election. Soldiers are dying, our country is run by both the corrupt and the idiotic, and we Americans just shrug. American Idol has an ancient dude with a harmonica that calls his posse the "Soul Patrol" and Americans rush to the phones, sometimes redialing a hundred times just to get through so their voice can be heard. Angelina pops an illegitimate kid and it is must see TV. News breaks of our politicians taking away yet another freedom and we ask ourselves, "I wonder if there is anything on E!".

See what happens when I read the news! F'ing CNN.com...

Monday, June 12, 2006

The life of a Blogger

Roughly once a week I sit at my computer trying to decide what to write about. I strive to bring content actual people want to read through humor, political ranting, and attempts at pseudo-original thoughts and insights. Still I average between 3 and 10 visitors a day, depending on how many sex sites and search engines have listed me in the complete pervert section.

I currently list on every search engine but you either have to search for my name directly, the title of this page, or really perverted porn to find me. I try to make my readers laugh, cry, think, or at least show some sign of life after having read my work. I have tried posting "Read Me" posts on the various other sites I frequent but in the end my primary readership has stayed the same since the beginning. I don't know how professional bloggers can survive on donations and advertising from their readership. I can't even get more than a few people to look at my page for more than a second, much less stay and actively give me feedback (or validation if you really care to psychoanalyze it.) I could ask everyone who reads this to tell at least one non-reading friend about me but that would be like Amway blogging. Oh well, such is the life of the attention whore...I mean blogger.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Attack of the wild Fandango...

So I was going to "The Omen" last night with some friends. I had bought my tickets online via Fandango (which, by the way, is just fun to say. Go ahead, say it with me. Fandango. Now say it louder. FANDANGO! Now have fun explaining the joys of online ticket purchase to the people around you who are looking at you funny.) Everyone else decided to get tickets at showtime. Once we all arrived at the theatre we discovered the show was sold out for all showings. That is right, people from the town who's name literally translates to body of Christ want to see the child of the devil. Go figure. I was actually surprised there were no religious protestors the way there were for the Da Vinci Code.

So I got a refund and we all went to play a hilarious game of Trivial Pursuit, Pop Culture Edition. This is where I get my ass handed to me by a bunch of girls because while I can tell you which Cambodian dictator received a Viking style funeral where he was sent off in a burning boat (Pol Pot) or the atomic weight of Uranium (238, or 235 if enriched for weapons grade use), I have no idea who produced "Evita" or which Quarterback first said, "I'm going to Disney World" after winning Super Bowl XXVIII (28 for those not versed in Roman numerals).

So last night turned out for the best I think. We all got to laugh, chat, have fun, and most of all we learned an important lesson. Never try to buy tickets for a devil movie in Corpus Christi at the door. Fandango! That is all.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

666

It figures today is 6-6-06. I have come across so many things that piss me off this week. Our government is poised to amend the constitution to prevent same sex marriage which is ridiculous. They are also poised to pass legislation that would prevent you from using music you pay for they way you want. Add to that, they are killing off some of this nations best and brightest in a war they aren't willing to end. If Americans don't revolt soon at the ballot box we may be forced to revolt old school in the streets.

To top off all of that I took my blood pressure a couple of days ago and it is official, I have stage 1 hypertension. Couldn't possibly be my constant rage against "the man" could it? In any case, I have started yet another shot at losing weight. Weighing in at 280 when my optimal weight is much closer to 200 is killing me.

I am going with the gang tonight to see "The Omen" remake. Reviews to come. I have always been fascinated by the thought of giving evil form by assigning it to a single malevolent being. Could there be a Satan? Is evil only in the hearts of men or does it have a real, tangible form? Is the story of Lucifer (or the various other beings lumped in under the heading "Devil") based in some truth? By logic, would the existence of Satan prove the existence of God? One must wonder. Worse, what if the Christian mythologies are true and the Anti-Christ walks among us today, biding his time before setting Armageddon in motion?

We will all see eventually I guess. Until then, Happy 666!

Friday, May 26, 2006

Deep thoughts on porn, sex toys, and the NSA

I spend much of my time pondering things. I like to ponder on God, the universe, the current state of things, why "ponder" is such a fun word to say, why I don't use the word "pontificate" more often to keep from using the word "ponder" too many times in one sentence. But I digress.

I have often pondered on this very page the absolute hypocrisy that is our society. We tolerate images of someone blowing off another person's head in prime time television but show a glancing shot of nipple and there is outrage. Strippers are not allowed to strip fully nude in most cities in America but wearing a thong made of dental floss makes it OK. Random rules that do not define a clear value system only serve to confuse. Until recently sodomy (defined clearly as any deviation from male-female vaginal sex although usually used in reference to homosexual sex) was a felony but having an unlicensed concealed pistol is only a misdemeanors. Sales of sex toys for any purpose other than "novelty" (i.e. for actual use on the sex organs) can get you arrested in many states yet selling guns at gun shows without a background check is fully legal.

The way I see it, if government is going to legislate a moral code, the least they can do is pick a logical one. I say we stick to the simplest code, do no harm to others, respect people's privacy (yes NSA, that is means you), keep government out of our bedrooms, and for the love of God get over this puritanical idea that the human body is "dirty". I am not saying put porn in front of our kids, I am saying don't warp our kids by telling them all displays of flesh are porn. I am not saying we should run around naked, just stop making a big deal when someone has a "wardrobe malfunction". More people saw Janet's nipple as a result of the huge deal the Christian Right made out of it than ever saw it during the Super Bowl. Remember Mark Twain's admonition, "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

Finally, I cannot let another week close without talking about NSA wiretaps. Wired Magazine published papers filed in a lawsuit against AT&T by the Electronic Frontiers Foundation in which a former AT&T technician discovered full AT&T cooperation with the NSA in illegal internet monitoring and phone tapping using hardware hosted in AT&T central offices in many major cities across the country. As a sys admin I understand just how far reaching this is. For the non-geek, here is a quick rundown. AT&T controls most of the backbone of the internet. If you monitor AT&T, you get to monitor most traffic on the net. Even if AT&T isn't your direct provider, most data you send through the net will hit AT&T equipment on the way. The hardware used monitors all data, it does not filter or encrypt it. If you put it on the net, email it, or use Voice Over IP phone service (i.e. Vonage, RoadRunner, Packet8, etc.) the NSA has a full, unencrypted copy and no judge to oversee that data's usage. Use a keyword like "jihad" and you get flagged for review even if you say "jihads suck".

To paraphrase Ben Franklin, "He who gives up liberty for security shall have neither." Those seeking to destroy the American way of life aren't overseas in the desert with rags on their head. They are in our government, slowly chipping away at our freedoms. We Americans have become lazy and fat. Had our founding fathers had the same level of motivation as modern Americans we would still be under English rule. We saw a blip of the revolutionary spirit during the civil rights movement. Those young revolutionaries are now dying, their legacy getting squashed by lazy apathetic Americans who think the W is out to protect them.

Quizzy Goodness

Since my last posts have been a bit heavier and I forsee another heavy one soon I figure I'd lighten things up a bit with the results of this quiz I took.

You scored as Batman, the Dark Knight. As the Dark Knight of Gotham, Batman is a vigilante who deals out his own brand of justice to the criminals and corrupt of the city. He follows his own code and is often misunderstood. He has few friends or allies, but finds comfort in his cause.

Captain Jack Sparrow


88%

Batman, the Dark Knight


88%

El Zorro


88%

William Wallace


83%

Neo, the "One"


83%

Maximus


79%

Lara Croft


79%

Indiana Jones


75%

James Bond, Agent 007


71%

The Terminator


67%

The Amazing Spider-Man


46%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

Friday, May 19, 2006

Fun with incendiary devices

The last couple of days have been strange here at work. Yesterday I pulled in to work and saw the whole crime scene squad gathered around the front of the building. Being a simple oilfield valve company we tend not to be touched by the hand of crime often. As it turns out late Wednesday night two thugs in an older Chevy Corsica pulled into our front lot and proceeded to hurl two Molotov cocktails at our building (with all the skill and aim of a two year old girl, I might add). One hit a window and bounced off only cracking the glass and the other hit brick. Neither did much real damage other than some black marks on the brick and cement. These idiots not only failed at damaging us, they also chose to do this right in front of our video camera which caught the whole incident. I downloaded the videos to CD for the police and pulled some really good stills. While their faces aren't as clear as I might like you get an exact description of their clothing, height, build, etc. Not only that but their car is missing its hub caps.

Later that day while I was in the middle of playing CSI:Corpus Christi, two black guys show up asking to speak to the owner. They proceeded to ask my boss, "where's my money" to which his response was "what are you talking about?" They seemed befuddled that he knew nothing of said money and took off. Not before I caught their images on the same camera though. They were in an older model Ford truck and the apparent "leader" had an afro that would make Leon "Ladies Man" Phelps go, "damn that brother has a big fro". This kind of crap really tempts me to take the concealed handgun class. It would definitely help if we could skim shit like this off of the gene pool.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Audio post goodness

this is an audio post - click to play


Now not only can you see and read me, you can hear me too...Be afraid...Be very afraid...

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Unleashing the inner heretic, Da Vinci Code style

The "Da Vinci Code" movie is generating quite a stir amongst Christians. I for one am loving it. People all over the world are all in a flap over a book (and the resulting motion picture) that in any library or bookstore is clearly filed as FICTION. Can anyone here explain to me how a book clearly presented as fictitious could spark claims of blasphemy?

So, in this FICTITIOUS world Jesus was married and had kids. La dee freaking da. For the sake of argument, and because nothing excites me more than pissing illogical people off, we will examine this concept using something that has no place in religious dogma, logic.

*Devil's advocate mode ON*
If I remember my Sunday school classes correctly (and I should, I taught them) we were taught that it was righteous to marry and have babies ("...multiply and replenish the earth..." as the old testament puts the Lord's admonition to Adam.)

For those of you who may have missed this section of high school "Life Science" class because your parents were uncomfortable with you learning about your naughty bits, this is done through males and females copulating (a.k.a. having sex, making whopee, getting their horizontal mambo on, mattress dancing, and just good old fashioned fucking.)

Why would the son of God be exempted from this command? He was sent to fulfil all righteousness. According to Christian dogma one should emulate Christ in all ways. If Christ fulfilled ALL righteousness then he performed ALL of the possible righteous acts. To say otherwise contradicts scripture. So by saying "he fulfilled all righteousness" and saying "he never got married or had sex" you are saying "anyone married and having sex with their spouse has committed un-righteousness."

Beside all of that, he choose one person above all others to reveal himself to first. Mary Magdalen. He did not visit his mother or apostles until after he saw Mary. He had not yet ascended to the Father (if you believe the New Testament account). Imagine, he visited her before God himself. Can you imagine the nagging if he hadn't? Ask any married man who they would visit first if they came back from the dead. If the answer isn't their wife she is liable to nag them about not coming first till they wished they weren't immortal. Jesus visiting his wife first was a matter of sanity preservation.

That is right folks, if Jesus fulfilled the law in its fullness as stated clearly in Christian dogma, he got laid. Deal with it.
*Devil's advocate mode OFF*

Now that I have made a few over-zealous Christian heads explode, did anyone bring the popcorn? I hear this movie is supposed to be good. Besides, every good Christian knows, Tom Hanks is the Anti-Christ...

Friday, May 05, 2006

New Photo

I have updated my profile photo to one took today, thus accurately reflecting my change in hair length and my new glasses. Feel free to drool.