I am not old...

Jasmine turned 6 today. I feel old. We went to Chuck E. Cheese and will be going to McDonald's tonight for the big party. I still remember when she was so small she fit in the palm of my hand. Now her head won't even fit in the palm of my hand. I was 21 when she was born. Now I am 27.

I have grown my goatee out which is close to the facial hair configuration I had the day she was born. The only reason I even remember that is moments after she was born she reached for my face with her tiny hand and touched my chin. The first sensation she felt was daddy's beard. She was premature and only weighed 5 pounds 6 ounces. She literally shot out of her mother so fast the doctor had left the room and I had to catch along with a frantic nurse. She was then whisked away by the neo-natal ICU staff because her lungs weren't fully developed and the oxygen in her blood was WAY too low. The whole night I sat by her bed in the ICU with her tiny hand wrapped around my finger. I only left the next day when the nurses checked her oxygen and assured me she was out of the woods. Now, six years later, she is a thriving social butterfly. I'd post more but I have to take her to McDonald's now...and then her wedding...kids grow up too fast.

What I'm known for

I just went through my site statistics and an alarming number of people found me by seraching for incest on the various search engines...so I am popular with the pervert set...somehow not suprising...

I am deaf, but I feel so fucking metal...

Last night Tiff and I went to Concrete Street Amphitheater with Sarah and my favorite metalhead, Denise. We saw Bullets and Octane, CKY, and Avenged Sevenfold. We missed the first band, Day of Contempt but came in just as Bullets and Octane started their set. They kicked ass and I bought their CD by the end of the night. Next up was CKY and they kicked ass as well. It is rare to have all of the opening bands burn down the house and still have the headliner live up to the part. Avenged Sevenfold so totally did. Hence the total hearing loss in my right ear and the partial loss in my left.

We stayed by the sidelines for the first two bands but while the roadies readied the stage for A7X Denise and I worked our way to the 4^th row stage right, just out of range for the band to sweat on us, just in range to see the AWESOME guitarist that is Syn and bassist that is Johnny Christ. Denise got some awesome photos and the crowd actually behaved like a real metal crowd, there for the music and not to kick each others skull in.

It was so fucking cool to feel the press of the pit screaming and banging my head to real metal, throwing the horns and feeling like I'm back in college down in the pit at Pantera. Speaking of Pantera, A7X covered Walk and I swear to God, Denise looked up at me and we both almost had a fucking heart attack. By the first chorus we were screaming the lyrics.

For anyone who has never experienced a real metal show, I highly recommend A7X. It is a show you won't soon forget. The crush of the pit is something everyone should experience at least once before they die. Especially with a true metalhead like Denise. You rock D.

Fun with HTML and a random resolution generator

Ok, so I took a random resolution generator and created a list of resolutions. Now I just have to do them...
In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Blame Canada.
Be more ganster than Snoop Dogg.
Not lose any pencils.
Be on cops.
Molest more hamsters.

Get your resolution here

Fo' rizzle Canada bes' not be gankin' my pencils o' I be all up ins they shizzle bitches. Now all I have left is to be on cops and give some hamsters Jesus Juice...

And now we return to our regularly scheduled bullshit...

Topping our news, I got an email from a friend (whose tin foil hat I forgot to compliment, it is very cool) about the gross things she and her husband come up with. It reminded me of a conversation my wife and I had with a friend of ours about dead baby.

Let me back up just a bit. Our friend had just gotten back from a speech and debate tournament (lets face it, these kids are warped) where someone had said she was so hungry she could eat a dead baby. Fast forward to our friend getting home and quoting this kid when we met at the Taqueria Acapulco (famous for corn chips fried in crack that keep you coming back even though the food sucks) for dinner and you might have an idea where this conversation went. Your idea would of course be wrong.

To start it off someone had said, "Mmmm tastes like chicken" to which I replied, "Actually it would probably be a red meat" being ever the stickler for accuracy that I am. It was decided that it should be the number 12 and served with fries and a drink... or possibly crack chips and salsa. Acapulco could use the menu upgrade. Soylent Green is people...yum...

Teardrops of a clown

I want to write something today. I haven't posted of late and wanted to do at least an "I am here" post. I have spent the morning trying to find something funny to write but I can't. My brain is a mess. Events this morning have me analyzing where I am.

In my career I am stuck in mind numbing doldrums. I work for my parents and we live with them. I quit and "voila", it is sleeping on a park bench. I am caged.

In my marriage, my career is destroying it. My wife has zero respect for my job because I am paid with housing. There is little actual cash involved and since she has a normal 9-6 job she cannot see the value of my job. As you all know, I have a big ego and having to swallow it to keep the peace is not an easy task. Add to that we have no privacy and my parents are driving us mad. We had a fight today that went from zero to shit storm in no time flat. My last words to her were "FUCK OFF" and to be honest, I'm not sure why. When I got home I stopped outside and cried. I had no reason to treat her like that. No excuse for that behavior. I feel like scum.

In my spiritual life, my faith is dead. I know my atheist friends are giving a tiny hooray but for me it feels empty. I spent my life believing I had a Father up above looking out for me. I had a brother in Christ who died for me. I had the promise of eternal life with my wife and kids by my side. It is disorienting at best for that to just suddenly end. It hurts to think death will part me from my wife and kids. It hurts me so deep inside I cannot find the source.

My head is swimming. I feel like a caged beast. Thoughts of rage, fear, panic, and hate scream drowning hope and faith.

For those who come here to laugh, I am sorry to let you down today. Now you have witnessed the teardrops of a clown.

Ask Mike, Arkansas Edition

This is from a comment and I must assume it to be a hypothetical question.

Ok, Michael. Here's a dilemma for you. I just found out that my husband is my second cousin. Should I tell him?

You have no idea how funny this one is for me. You see, in the 8th grade I met this girl named Heather. I thought she was hot and apparently she felt the same about me. We even made out behind the school. I got home that day and talked to my mom about the new girl I had met that day, leaving out the kissing detail of course. I came to find out she was my cousin from the side of my family we never talk to. It made for some uncomfortable moments the next day. I know this is nowhere near the gravity of the situation you mentioned but it is funny.

Back to your dilemma. That is a touchy issue. The moral dilemma is one between full honesty and keeping a marriage. Lets say that you have kids together. The interest of the children is at stake here too. How would they adjust to life in Arkansas?

Seriously, it would have quite a bit to do with the strength of your marriage and how open minded he is. Would he be one to dissolve a marriage over this? Would you? Legally there would be no reason to dissolve the marriage since the relation was only known after the fact. Genetically there is enough distance that the risk of birth defects is no greater than if you were not related.

The only real questions here would be how you both are with the "EWWW YOU'RE MY COUSIN" factor and how you stand on my own previous question, is it ok to conceal things out of love? Of course this is a REALLY BIG thing. One might also bring religion into this but let's face it, Abraham married his half sister, had a kid with her handmaiden, and he is followed by Christians, Jews, and Muslims.

Personally, if in the same situation I would attempt to find a gentle way to tell my spouse. I know in my situation our love is stronger than the "EWWWW" factor and we could stand that test.

What does the rest of the peanut gallery have to say?

As always, send your questions to mclarksonazATgmail.com and I will try not to make fun of you.

This is Mike saying incest is best, put your cousin to the test...(Did I really just say that? I need my head examined. I also need to stop typing everything that runs through my head. Now...)

Ask Mike First Installment

Today I begin my new segment called, I got really creative with this, Ask Mike. This is (a thinly veiled attempt to up my readership) where my readers write in with real questions and I either answer them or make fun of them. (My serious remarks will be noted in parenthesis). Today we have an actual email from, no joke here, Chocolate Phonebook.

Mr. Clarkson,

1. What is your definition of great art?

2. Do you have any pointers to help one get organized? What works for you?

3. How do you suggest I react to religious fanatics who say they believe in forgiveness when they only shout damnation in my face?

4. Also, what do you shave with?

Your inconsistently avid reader,
Chocolate Phonebook

Chocolate,

These are deep questions and I have pondered my response in depth (which consists of taking a bathroom break) and have come to the following answers:

1. Truly great art comes from great people, most often dead. Their art was only considered great if it included naked people or anything that confused a critic who did not wish to admit to confusion. (Seriously, art is purely subjective and what is great to me is crap to the next guy. I like art to move me from the inside and make me feel something profound.)


2. Organization is an important skill for success in life. I find the best method is invest in a PDA like a Palm Pilot. Then enter all your important contacts, calendar dates, et cetera until you are organized. Then leave you Palm Pilot in a safe place where you will never find it. (Seriously, I am the least organized person I know. I know I have a desk but I can't remember what color it is from all the crap piled on it. Organization really only helps people who's life is predictable and mine isn't.)


3. This one is all serious. I often find fanatics suffer from the defect of always believing they hold the higher moral ground. No matter how absurd the assertion, if it comes from a warped view of faith, they will hold it with a Kung Fu grip. Christ himself suffered from the torment of those who believed him to be wrong. Paul was persecuted early on for his participation in the execution of Christians. You are not in bad company. The only way to vindicate yourself is to live well. Ignore the rantings of hypocrites. Pointing out their hypocrisy only fuels the fire.


4. Gillette M3 Power. I use a mixture of baby oil and Edge Gel to lubricate the shave. Again, no joke here.

I hope these answers bring a smile to your face and possibly a solution to your quandary. Until next time, email your questions to mclarksonazATgmail.com and remember, be good or be good at it.

Advice Column

I have decided to start my own write-in advice column right here. People write me a la Dear Abby and I reply with solutions. Either that or make fun of them, haven't decided yet. Of course if I don't get much email to begin with I might go to the effort to make one up...

You guessed it, I am shy on ideas and instead of actually coming up with real ideas, I'll just have them sent to me. I know, I'm lazy. I have often been told I give good advice (mainly by the voices in my head) so now I will share it with the world.

Please send your questions to me at mclarksonazATgmail.com (use an @ in place of AT) and I will post my response here.

Out of love

"What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil." -Nietzsche

I have a deep burning question to ask. Is it truly wrong to obscure details that would hurt a loved one if knowing those details would bring only pain, anger, or other ill feeling?

If for instance someone who's opinion is always horrible and of no account says something hurtful of a loved one, are you obligated to share that with the loved one? Is it a lie not to give full disclosure of details that in the grand scheme only do harm?

Moreover, could you trust a person who purposefully omitted such detail? Is there anything truly beyond good and evil? If to lie is to deceive but there is no deception in the omission, is it a lie? Is full disclosure always the best policy? Should we always disclose every hateful thing to those we love for the sake of trust? Could you trust someone who constantly bears bad news and ill words that had you not known would have caused you no harm? If so, could you love them if all that they tell you brings hurt?

Is it more noble to shield someone from hurt or hand all of it off to them?

How can one be a knight in shining armor if you aren't allowed to protect?

Search engine whoring

I've been looking to up my readership lately. I read all of the Blogger help mumbo jumbo which basically says:

• Write quality content.


• Make it interesting.


• Link to other sites and pray they link to you.


• Sacrifice your first three children to the God of the internet. (Jon Postel according to the BBC)

I think I might have imagined that last one. Anyone who has read my blog knows I am too lazy for the first three. So I have devised a plan using search engine optimization tricks to boost my ratings. Use the words "How To" a lot. Make lots of headings followed by bulleted lists. Google bots eat this stuff up. Then write a short how to on a random topic. It will be GREAT! Here goes:

How to remove spyware

• First, check you computer for spies. This works best if you pretend to leave the room, then quietly sneak up on the computer. If you see a little guy in a trenchcoat going through your internet history, you are infected. Or having a psychotic break. One of the two.


• Next, capture the spy and interrogate him to see who he works for. Shine a light in his face and tell him, "Ve have vays ov makink you talk!" It is common knowledge that spies hate bad German accents.


• Finally, call in a hitman like me to "dispose" of the spy. (Or a psychiatrist if you actually see a man in a trenchcoat). For the purposes of plausible deniability we hitmen won't say what we do with spies, but it definitely involves a mess.


• You should always practice safe hex. Don't download from unknown sources. You have no idea where that code has been. Don't be a dirty code whore.
  

I figure if enough search engines see the howto info on this site, traffic will increase. If traffic increases I will eventually have enough people brainwashed with my witty analysis that I can TAKE OVER THE WORLD! MUHAHAHA!!!

I really need to cut back on the caffeine...

Random Survey Crap

I usually don't post my survey results here but I've had a bit of writer's block lately and these results were good. This time I think the results were pretty accurate with the possible exception of that last one. I know posting this crap is just lazy but I am out of ideas for today. I promise to write something of substance this week to make up for this.

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh. You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum. Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Your Hidden Talent

You're super sensitive and easily able to understand situations. You tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts. Decision making is easy for you. You have killer intuition. The right path is always clear, and you're a bit of a visionary.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Your Dating Purity Score: 12%

You are a very experienced dater. When it comes to relationships, you've seen the good, bad, and ugly. You've seen things other people haven't even heard of!

Dating Purity Test

Your Brain's Pattern

You're a simple thinker, and this is actually a very good thing. You don't complicate matters when you don't have to. You look for the simplest explanation or solution, and you go with that. As a result, your mind is uncluttered and free of stress.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Opinions

WARNING: RANT TIED IN WITH SOCIAL COMMENTARY AHEAD!

"Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and it usually stinks." Has anyone else heard that phrase? How about, "If I wanted your opinion I would have asked for it" or the alternate finish "...I would have given it to you." Every day people offer their opinions to us. When we agree with the opinion given we take it as helpful contribution. When we disagree it annoys us and we find the person rude or uninformed. This is a particular annoyance to me.

I am a massive egomaniac. I just wanted to state that up front. I am a smart guy (or smart ass depending on who you ask) and when someone presents an idea to me that disagrees with my own I like it backed up with verifiable fact. I like to think I am right and at the risk of sounding pompous, I usually am. I am not referring to subjective matters like music or art but matters like math, science, or locations on a map.

Often I will talk about things well within my sphere of expertise such as electronics, computers, and math. Invariably someone nearby will jump into the conversation with an uninformed opinion like, "Christmas lights use very little electricity." Of course a single bulb uses little electricity but when you have a string of 400 bulbs (roughly 200 watts or .5 watts/bulb on the small Christmas lights for anyone who cares to know) it adds up fast. Don't tell me how much electricity a bulb uses if you can't define the word kilowatt.

In the realm of subjective matters such as music and art I hate it when people think their own taste superior to others.

I have a friend that recently introduced me to Fallout Boy and a few other punk bands I normally would not have listened to on my own. At first glance I found them to be talentless hacks who make up for their lack of talent with an androgynous femininity and a huge helping of adolescent angst. I suspended this opinion in order to form a more well rounded repertoire of music. I now find them mildly talented girls dressed up as angsty boys. Do I force this opinion on my friend? No, instead I respect my friend's taste in music.

I have an affinity for old school hard rock, blues, and country. My friend looks at this as inferior. Apparently having lyrics that make sense sung by people with testosterone and little to no eye makeup is inferior in her eyes. When hanging out I never get to choose the station because I might play a band with talent. No, I'm not bitter at all.

Ye flippin caffeinated gods!

Apparently Coca-Cola^® has decided to create a new Coke beverage called Blak. The full press release is here but essentially it is Original Coke mixed with, get your caffeine receptors ready, coffee extract. It will have about half the calories of regular Coke and be directed squarely at the latte drinking Gen X. I don't know about you but my curiosity is piqued. They are set to roll it out in France (national motto: "Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité!" which I think translates to "We surrender!") next month and then globally soon thereafter. I would read how the French review it but I don't think I trust the taste of people who like snails and Jerry Lewis. I expect to see it on store shelves here in Texas in 6 months pending the French not saying it tastes like Pepé Le Pew's ass.

In other news, I have dropped back from a 42 inch waist on my pants to a 38 inch waist which is super cool. Yay GNC! The energy boost is worth it even without weight loss. It is like having a caffeine drip all day long.

Publishing

I have presented an idea to the Blogger staff to develop a publishing service. In essence each blogger could compile their favorite posts, edit them, add images, and then have them printed in book form and sold in a Blogger Book Store with royalties sent to the writer. I think it is a cool idea. How about you?