Watch this interview. All of it.

This is the conversation we need to be having as a nation. Not only this conversation but this tone as well. Rational dialogue is possible.

Drunken Ramblings

The best way to solve a drinking problem is to stop thinking of it as a problem.

I enjoy a good scotch. After the week I've had, I deserve it too. I rolled a truck 1.5 times, sticking the roof landing and still managing to walk away. We were robbed of the gold on that one. French judge deducted points for doing it in my sleep. I have driven over 3000 miles in 2 weeks and mounted 3 satellites. And all this with no homicides. Yeah, I deserve a scotch or 6.

I had someone tell me,"The only people who drink scotch are alcoholics." Hi, I'm Mike, have we met? Duh. A true scotch aficionado can pick out smokey and fruity notes in a drink most people would compare to paint thinner. I am one of those people. Now, to finish my 12 year old single malt Glenlivett and go to bed. Sleep well. I will.

My Prose

I spoke of writing again in an earlier post and decided tonight to record two of my prose pieces as spoken word pieces, read as they were written. Note these are not humorous at all and were both written from actual dealings with women. Enjoy this glimpse at my inner brooding artist.

First is a piece I wrote in one of my darker moments entitled "Addict" about how Jessica and I ended up:


Second is a piece I actually wrote tonight entitled "Hunger" about an woman I long for but our pasts keep us apart.

Thoughts

I turn 32 on Tuesday. In the last year I have gone through so many changes. My marriage split. I had to leave a job at a company that worked me harder than I have ever worked. I went through surgery to fix a problem that has been with me since I was 17 an recently got bad enough to make me anemic. I have lost 20 pounds and am working on another 60. I have started working stand up comedy gigs again. My Atheist group has grown from four or five active members to 20 or so active members and 60 overall members. We have started doing charitable activities and giving back to the community. I have discovered how much support and how many friends I actually have and the truth is overwhelming. I am not alone.

I have made some discoveries about myself. I am stronger than I ever thought. I have so much more to offer the world than I have to this point. I can make a difference in this world, on more than just an interpersonal level. I have the ability to touch people all over the world and bring them together. I cannot allow myself to be sold short ever again. This is the year of Michael. This is the year my trek to the top begins. This is the year I make the changes that will direct the rest of my life.

BP, Transocean, and MMS

Considering my insomnia is still a problem I figured I would offload some anger regarding the Deepwater Horizon incident that is polluting the Gulf of Mexico to the tune of 40-60,000 barrels of oil a day.

This problem leaves me so angry. This wasn't some "Act of God" or "Unforeseeable accident." This was the combined greed of BP and Transocean executives combined with the criminal neglect of duty by the Minerals Management Service, the Government agency tasked with inspecting and certifying drilling rigs. By the end of this executives in charge of all three belong behind bars.

This rig exploded from a series of errors, every one of which was easily preventable by paying attention to well known and thoroughly published science. First, deepwater rigs are regulated using the regulations written for shallow water rigs in the 1970's. None of the safety requirements have been properly tested at the depths Deepwater Horizon drills. Many experts believe that the shear ram blowout preventer used by Transocean in this drill won't perform at depth, as proven by its non-performance. This means that a flawlessly performing blowout preventer on the surface will likely fail at the depth Transocean was trying to use this one. Further, risk analysts stated that the methane gas pockets that generated serious kickbacks earlier in the drilling process at this site posed a minimal threat. These same kickbacks were serious enough to shut down operations such as welding, smoking, or anything that generates sparks. Considering all of these warnings, one would think they would follow basic safety procedures to cap the well. These procedures involve waiting at least 6 hours for the concrete plug to harden before pumping the mud out of the well. The mud is there to keep down the pressures generated by the gasses. Without the weight of the mud keeps kickbacks manageable. Instead of waiting 6 hours Transocean, with clearance from MMS and BP, pumped the mud out and replaced it with ocean water which is useless in stopping a blowout. Think farting at the bottom of a tub and seeing it bubble to the surface. Oversimplified a bit but same concept. Without a properly cured cement plug in place, they pumped out the only thing keeping huge quantities of highly explosive natural gas in the well to save 6 hours and $125,000. The cost of this decision affects us all in incalculable ways.

Eleven rig workers died from the greedy, incompetent, and ultimately criminal decisions made strictly to pad the bottom line of BP and Transocean investors. That in and of itself means that every single one of the incompetent bastards at BP, Transocean, and MMS should be charged with eleven counts of negligent homicide. This was no accident. They are as culpable as a parent who leaves 11 children in a fireworks factory with matches and no supervision ten minutes before they blow themselves up. Then, once those trials have finished there should have been sufficient time to figure out how to conviene a tribunal for crimes against humanity, nature, and the planet. In that mean time, all assets of BP and Transocean should be seized and used to try to begin paying for the cleanup effort.

Long night

It is 6:24 in the morning. I haven't slept a second. I probably won't. I don't know how long I can go before I completely lose it. I can feel myself coming apart at the seams. I have thought long and hard about how I got to this point. The answer is simple. I gave it all away. Every dime, every thing of value, all of my time, and, most devastating of all, all of me. Now that I have need there is nothing there. I have no reserves, monetarily or mentally. I literally gave till it hurt. I gave to jobs, wives, family, girlfriends, friends, and everyone in between. Not once did I stop to set something aside for me and now I am paying for it. Wow. That was hundreds of dollars of therapy saved all with a single paragraph.

Rock Bottom

I've hit a new low. Tonight I downloaded World of Warcraft 10 day free trial. How pathetic am I that WoW is how I spent a Friday night as a single man? Doesn't help that I am stone cold broke. I couldn't buy a Coke with the contents of my bank account. Sure, I am healing from surgery. It has just been such a huge downer this week. Sitting here in this baren apartment, not a thing of value to my name that I don't owe money on. I am almost 32 and have no savings, am scraping by for the basics, and have proven myself incapable of a successful long term relationship. And now I am a Level 7 Night Elf Warrior after only a couple of hours. This better be rock bottom. My shovel is getting dull.

The $10,000,000 asshole

Michael's asshole was hurt. A man bleeding from his butt. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic anus. His asshole will be that asshole. Better than it was before. Better, stronger, faster. More asshole-y.

Still healing from this surgery. A week after my attack of modern medicine and it hurts like hell. Yesterday was the worst, like becoming personally acquainted with the business end of a hunting knife. I swear, it hits one more time without flowers and chocolate and I'm crying rape. Seriously. I am this close to calling Detectives Benson and Stabler from SVU. Something has to be done about the ass raping hunting knife. That's all I'm saying. And now the Hydrocodone is kicking in. Nighty night.

Hang

"...He smokes his cigarette.
He stays outside till it's gone.
If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone..."

I've been in a mood of late. Wallowing in the melancholy. In a way it is a good thing. I am writing again. Prose, comedy, and even blogs. Tonight I sit here with mellow music, my beer, the smoke of my cigarette, and the cool night air. I just got back from performing at the House of Rock and while I should feel high I feel alone. Don't get me wrong, it was a great show. Fabian played 2 great sets, all of the comics were funny, even if the audience was unresponsive, and I got some stage time with the gang. This after being tapped to be co-announcer last weekend at roller derby with Cynde, giving me two chances to perform for the week. I should be riding a high.

I guess part of it is the anticipation of impending boredom as I recover from minor surgery to literally repair my ass hole. It is going to suck and not in the good way.

No. That's not it. I just feel alone. I know there are plenty of people who want to be with me and love me. I am rarely physically alone. I feel alone in the sense that while many people hear me, not many listen. I talk about wanting physical relationships, and I do, but I get those. I want someone that truly understands me, someone who hears my words and understands their meaning, someone strong and independent who is with me not because they need me but because they want me. Is that too much to ask? I wish I knew.

The upside of this is I am at my most creative when in this state. My demons need a voice. My voice needs to be heard. Maybe in their crying out they will find a kindred voice doing the same. If a kindred voice hears me, my demons want to know if you would like to go out for coffee...

"...And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's all the same for you I'll just hang."

*Quotes excerpted from Hang-Written by Rob Thomas, Performed by Matchbox 20

Me

I am about to throw a change up pitch here. I'm not posting about any current events or witty observations. I'm going to post about me. Not the blowhard know it all. Not the comedian goofball. Me.

I am a nearly 32 year old man. I have never had a truly successful relationship. I drink at home, by myself. I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks. I am surrounded by people who want to be around me and I all want to be is alone. Till I'm alone. Then I want to be near people. But I am a bit of a masochist so I stay alone, wallowing in the sweet melancholy of silence. Sometimes I turn on some blues and kick back with a beer. Like tonight, sitting here with the smooth guitar of Citizen Cope, Sideways and some Shiner Hefeweizen.

I live alone with my cat. If there is a more pathetic sentence, I'm not sure where one would find it. That's right, I am a cat owner. Well, I am a cat hold onto-er until Tiff can find a place where she can take the cat. I love my cat, don't get me wrong. It just doesn't do anything for the case for my heterosexuality. I'm 32, single, have seen Rocky Horror enough times to sing along, enjoyed Brokeback Mountain, and know what a duvet cover is. Add a cat and I might as well try out for Fire Island.

I quit my job a month ago and work independently. That is a great way to say I spend most of my days watching Law & Order marathons briefly sprinkled with last night's Daily Show and Scrubs re-reruns. Granted, it is nice to be able to work from home. Until the frige starts talking to you. So I work out. I lift bites of food to my mouth. I walk the long way from the couch to the kitchen. Sometimes I even go for multiple sets, multiple reps. Really helps the weight problem.

I guess what I am trying to say is what most men never admit to. I am depressed. It is hard to admit. It requires putting down the macho bravado, setting aside the ready joke, putting down the witty retort, and just saying it. Saying it in a public forum like this is a bit empowering. I know nobody actually reads this blog but the fact that anyone could feels good. In the off chance I am wrong and someone does read this and gets anything from it, let me know. Leave a comment, send an email, send a smoke signal, you get the idea.

Censorship and South Park

*The following post contains graphic language and offensive material. If you are easily offended, do not read past this sentence. Unless you are an Islamic fundamentalist asshole. Then by all means, read on.

First, while I enjoy watching South Park on occasion I am not a regular fan of the show. I know their show often blows right past the borders of propriety into the realm of the gross, vulgar and offensive. In part, it is why I watch. Every once in a while though their shenanigans end up pointing out some societal flaw in very clear detail.

In this case, the last episode of South Park contained a depiction of Muhammad that was censored by Comedy Central for threats from revolutionmuslim.com. There are other Islamic groups offended by depiction of Muhammad who are respectfully lodging their complaints through normal channels. These people I have no beef with and out of respect for those mainstream followers of Islam I am not going to display the original uncensored image here. Please note, I have decided not to depict Muhammad out of respect for mainstream Muslims, not fear of terrorist assholes posing as Muslims.

When any speech, especially that regarding religion is censored, we lose more freedom. Sure, South Park can be a bit tasteless in their satire. But for anyone to say that the behavior of religious fanatics does not deserve ridicule and satire, tramples the Constitution. Belief, no matter how deep, should never be allowed to stifle commentary. I don't declare war on Christians every time they call Atheists evil and of the devil. I simply point out the following:

Those who believe a bearded guy in the sky that watches everything you do and sent down his only son to act as a blood sacrifice for sin brought into the world by a woman created from the rib of a man who ate a fruit that made her aware she was naked given to her by a talking snake, shouldn't talk.

Muslims, before you go laughing at the Jesus people I remind you of the following:

Your "Prophet" married children and swung from peace and love to more violent than Hitler. He needed meds. Bi-polar disorder is no laughing matter.

Jews, before you get to thinking you are dodging the bullet, I remind you fo the following:

Just because your ancestors thousands of years ago owned a chunk of land does not mean you get the right to uproot thousands of people who have moved in since you left. It is a fucking sandbox. Learn to share or one day some asshole with the bomb will slip one past the US and blow your shit up.

Yes, South Park was making a statement offensive to all Muslims. Yes, it was in poor taste. But here in America they have every right to say it. Here in America anyone can say anything. That is until you start threatening violence to silence an opposing viewpoint.

You want Islamic law? You want to declare jihad on those who oppose your views? Go somewhere else. Go strap a bomb to yourself out in the middle of the desert at least 30 minutes drive from anywhere populated and blow yourselves up.

Or maybe you should just blow yourselves. All that pent up aggression and hatred of women needs release. Maybe you should get your balls tickled with each other's beards. Maybe pull out and give each other a dirty Muhammad... which is where you scream "ALLAH AKBAR" as you jizz in their beard. Don't pretend it doesn't happen. I had friends stationed in the middle east. As they would say in your culture, "Women are for procreation, men are for recreation."

I guess what I am saying, in the immortal words of Jon Stewart is, "Go fuck yourselves." I know, not as impressive without the choir and dancing, but just use your imaginations.

*The preceding rant is brought to you by those brave men who ratified the Bill of Rights, the first amendment of which allows me to make the dirty Muhammad joke, no matter how offensive.

Just Jessica

Rising from the dust yet again, I am back for another blog. I know, usually when I do these I am bitching about something but today will be different. Why? Because I feel different. Two weeks ago, two things happened to me.

One, I quit my job to strike out on my own again. No ill feelings to the old job, just felt it was time to mosey on down the road.

The second was Jessica. Two weeks ago I walked into Barton Street pub to meet some online friends in real life for some drinks. In looking for them, I ran into an old high school friend on his way out the door. I thought nothing of it and headed to the bar.

I noticed this beautiful girl dancing to the karaoke and noticed she kept looking at me.

She reminded me of this girl I knew in high school, one of the untouchable beautiful people that I had a crush on from the first day of freshman year. I walked up to ask her where she had gone to school and as it turned out, she was indeed the very girl I had drooled over in high school before I had grown the ego I have today. And for the record, just as hot now as she was then.

She asked me for my number under the auspices of looking up old friends from the reunion. I thought little of it and was just glad to talk to her. The next day she called me and asked what I was doing that night. Long story short, we went to Olive Garden and a movie. My inner 15 year old was giddy. I was on a date with the girl I had crushed on all through high school. We finished the night with a kiss on the cheek.

Now I know, those who know me are saying to yourselves, "Riiiight. Kiss on the cheek. Next you want me to believe rainbow ponies flew out you ass and sang the star spangled banner." Trust me.

For the last two weeks I have been dating one of the hottest girls I went to school with and taking it slow. I am also happier than I have been in years.

I am not saying I am settling down or picking out rings. I am saying she makes me happy just being around. No pretense. No worries. Just Jessica.

My new favorite song

Love the Jay-Z and Alicia Keys duet this is based on but this had me rolling on the floor laughing my proverbial ass off. Thanks to geeksaresexy.net for posting it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I now have a new found respect for Brad Pitt

In case the video gets pulled for copyright, the clip which gives me respect for Brad Pitt is an interview with Bill Maher in which Brad comes out as an Atheist and presents a reasoned, even-handed approach to religion and how it affects public policy. Well done sir and kuddos to you.

Real Time - Brad Pitt on Religion
by Xrunner17

Want...Must...Have...

This is what the iPad should have been. Makes me a bit sad it was Microsoft that came up with it.