Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Of cars and shiny things

Yesterday I woke up like any other day, got ready for work, and went down to my car. I had noticed the smell of antifreeze the night before and wanted to check my fluids. I opened the radiator and much to my chagrin, it was bone dry. I re-filled it and looked under the car. Sure enough it looked like my engine block was taking a piss. Shit. I finally tracked the leak to a crack in the block. There goes my mode of transportation.

I called up my buddies over at Ed Hicks Nissan to see if they could hook me up with a deal. I built their network and thought them to be my best chance at finding a reliable set of wheels. I fully expected to drive away in a car from their used lot with the highest mileage they had. I was wrong. Today I have a brand new, hot off the showroom floor, Nissan Sentra. The odometer read 20 at the time I drove it off. They cut me a great deal and financed me at 5%, a rate I haven't seen since my first wife pillaged my credit. It is great and as it turns out a perfect extra birthday gift for my wife who's birthday is today.

Of course I bought her real birthday gift last week with the assistance of Isa, who might I add has impeccable taste and will be my personal shopper after I make my first million. I went a little over my budget with the gift but I think it will make her smile. Tiff has been trying to get it out of me. I keep telling her it is poop in a bag with glitter on it but she doesn't believe me. She won't accept that poop in a bag is all the rage. I hear Paris Hilton carries hers everywhere she goes. Oh well, at least she won't be out of the fashion loop when I give it to her... Happy birthday baby.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Making up

Life is good again. Sunday afternoon Tiff was sitting in the chair after what could only be described as a tense week. I was walking behind the chair and out of instinct touched her arm. That one touch of my hand smashed the ice that had been hanging around us all week. So apologies were shared and wounds tended to and life is back as it should be. Making up almost makes a fight worth it.

Having spent the last 8 years of my life as a married man(2 marriages but who's counting), I have discovered a few things I feel I must share. Call it advice to live by. Much of it is gross generalization but as is the case when I generalize, I don't care.
  • Men: No matter how right you are, you are wrong. Deal with it. You could have Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, and Marilyn vos Savant on your side and you will still be wrong unless your answer is, "Yes dear, I don't know how I could have thought such a thing. Please forgive my having been born without the superior intellect provided by a vagina."
  • Men: The correct answer to, "Does this make my ass look fat?" is to have a massive heart attack on the spot. As much as you want to say, "No, your ass makes your ass look fat" it just isn't going to improve your quality of life. If you tell her no she will call you a liar and then you will never leave her sight again you dirty lying bastard who has broken her trust. Death really is the only out on this.
  • Women: Men cannot fully wrap their brains around the whole using emotions as rational arguments concept. "But that is how you made me feel" is NOT a real argument to a man and will cause them to look at you like you have lost your mind. Men like hard concepts we can wrap our brains around. You start using emotion as logic and we are lost. We are just stupid like that.
Take these little nuggets of truth and remember them. I can hear marriage counselors all over the world recognizing a disturbance in the force. I post this and a million divorce lawyers scream in terror all at once and are silenced. I really need to stop thinking I have that much influence over my readers.