Thursday, January 25, 2007

Ask Mike, Dubbya edition

For this week's edition of Ask Mike we go to a (fake) email from a Mr. Dubbya where he asks (not really):

Dear Mike,

I keep trying to fix things in Iraq but nobody seems to see my vision. Their president has the insane notion HE is in charge even though I keep telling him he can only be in charge when he agrees with me. I keep supporting the Shiite leaders and can't for the life of me figure out why their mortal enemies the Sunnis are all pissed off. Why can't anyone understand that I talk to God and everyone should listen to me?

Yours Truly,


Remember when you used to sit on Santa's lap and whisper your dream gift in his ear and come Christmas day you found socks under the tree instead? After a few Christmases like that your mom finally told you the man at the mall was just a hobo they paid to tell you what you wanted to hear and take your photo for $5.00 and then hand you a Saf-T-Pop on your way out. This is just like that. The "Voice of God" is just Cheney in a beard again. Stop throwing troops in the middle of two groups that hate each other. If you want to fix this you need to step the fuck out and hand it to the people who understand the situation.

You see, most of the countries surrounding Iraq are Sunni, the same branch of Islam as Saddam and the current bunch of insurgents. The Iranians and the current ruling class in Iraq are Shiite. These two hate each other like Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken and have for millenia. This is not going away because some stupid bumpkin from Texas says Jesus said so.

To stop this fighting you have to turn to the Sunni and Shiite nations surrounding Iraq, which incidentally won't help as long as we are there, and have them broker a deal. These lunatics will not listen to a nation they consider infidel invaders. They will on the other hand listen to the leaders of nations that are willing to eradicate them if they don't comply.

Now if you didn't understand any of this, tell Laura to read it and explain it to you. Hopefully for all our sakes she can get through you ignorant twit. Now go play in the sandbox and stop getting our boys killed because you are an ignorant ass that can't understand what happens when you try to break up a fight between rabid dogs.


Tune in next time when I announce my candidacy for President in the 2012 election running on the "Fuck You" ticket.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Re-affirming my belief in our future

I just got back from judging the Calallen Speech and Debate Tournament. I've said it before and I'll say it again, just when my belief in our society is dwindling, I judge a tournament and those kids bring a spark of hope back to a roaring fire. I watch speakers who started rough around the edges last year grow into polished orators. I see kids tackling powerful topics with a passion and fire that inspires me. Topics that most adults are scared to skirt these kids plow right through. I am exhausted now from a full day of judging but I sleep tonight with renewed hope for the future.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Ask Mike, Atheism 101 Edition

I was asked a rather lengthy question by P. Martin in the comments of my last post and while I answered it there I found it worthy to pull to a more prominent place for all to see. As it is long and multi-part I will break it down, placing each answer in an indented paragraph.

"I have some questions about atheism. Maybe you know the answers."
First let me be clear, atheism is a rather broad category that merely implies lack of belief in a deity. My answers here stem from scientific atheism, or in the words of Richard Dawkins, Einsteinian Religion.
Q: Do atheists believe in ghosts, vampires, zombies, returning from the dead, etc.?
A: Using the strict definitions of those words no. I will caveat that there are many strange and well documented phenomenon which to this point science has not fully explained. I like to use the rule that when one hears hoof beats he should think horses, not zebras. To me it is the zebra syndrome when one labels something supernatural before eliminating the natural possibilities.
Q: Do atheists believe in any form of life after death?
A: No. There is no scientific evidence to support such a conclusion.
Q: Do atheists believe that if they kill someone and nobody ever finds out, then it’s ok?
A: To claim morals come from a belief in a god is horridly irresponsible. "Thou shalt not kill" existed long before Judeo-Christian theology. If I were to follow the morals laid out by the God of the Bible I would have to stone my child to death for disobedience, my wife would have to wear a veil and not speak unless spoken to, and I could explain away killing my first born by saying God made me do it. Belief in God does not equal having a solid moral code and disbelief in one does not mean lack of moral direction. In the atheist doing that which is right is intrinsically good and is not done out of fear of reprisal from a vengeful bearded old guy in the sky.
Q: Do atheists capitalize the name “Hitler”, but not the name “God”?
A: The name God refers to a specific deity also known as Allah, Elohim, Yaweh, and a myriad of other names by the big three monotheistic religions. The word god is not in and of itself a proper name as it could refer to any mythological being in the pantheon of gods and therefore, as it is not a proper noun, does not require capitalization. Hitler is on the other hand the proper name of a genocidal maniac.
Q: Is there an atheist spell-checker that ignores this “error”?
A: As it is in fact NOT an error, all spell-checkers should ignore it. Google toolbar does. Microsoft word as well.
Q: Do atheists think Hitler was a jerk, but only because he believed in a God?
A: Hitler was a jerk because he killed millions who believed differently than he did including gays, Jews, gypsies, and many Christians. He used God as justification for killing millions of people. If we look at the crusades and the Inquisition we see the same thing, God used to justify genocide. The book of Joshua in the Bible is filled with God induced genocide. Genocidal maniac = Bad guy, no matter what his justification.
Q: If atheists don’t believe in God, why do they care if anyone else believes in God? (I don’t believe in little green men from mars, but I could give a shit if you do)
A: I only care when that belief is used to justify wars, prejudice, or arcane laws with no basis in reality. Religion is a dangerous drug. Like other drugs, most addicts do little harm to others but the ones who do make it wise to rid the world of them entirely.
Q: During sex do atheists ever say “Oh God, I’m gonna’ cum!”?
A: Yes. At least I do. Beats "Oh science, I'm gonna cum!" doesn't it?
Q: When angry, do atheists ever say “God damn it!” or “Go to hell!”?
A: I use "Oh, God" and "God damn it" because "Oh, science" and "Reality damn it" just don't carry the same potency.
Q: Do atheists ever see the image of Christ on a bagel or a slice of toast?
A: No, but I once saw a Cheeto that looked like the Pope's hat.
Q: Do atheists never feel like “somebody up there” is watching out for them?
A: Every time I hear about Bush's NSA policies.
Q: Do atheists celebrate Christmas, take a Christmas vacation, or accept a Christmas bonus? If so, why?
A: I do. So does Richard Dawkins. Christmas has been a secular/pagan holiday for much longer than it was a Christian one. Jesus was just shoved in as an attempt to convert the pagans. Does anyone really still believe the man called Jesus was born in December? Really?
Q: When testifying in a court of law, are atheists required to swear on a bible?
A: Only truly backwards jurisdictions would force someone to swear on a book of fairy tales.
So kids, that about sums up our Ask Mike for today. Tune in next time when I tackle the question, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" Until next time remember to smile, it makes people wonder what you are up to.