Thursday, May 11, 2006

Unleashing the inner heretic, Da Vinci Code style

The "Da Vinci Code" movie is generating quite a stir amongst Christians. I for one am loving it. People all over the world are all in a flap over a book (and the resulting motion picture) that in any library or bookstore is clearly filed as FICTION. Can anyone here explain to me how a book clearly presented as fictitious could spark claims of blasphemy?

So, in this FICTITIOUS world Jesus was married and had kids. La dee freaking da. For the sake of argument, and because nothing excites me more than pissing illogical people off, we will examine this concept using something that has no place in religious dogma, logic.

*Devil's advocate mode ON*
If I remember my Sunday school classes correctly (and I should, I taught them) we were taught that it was righteous to marry and have babies ("...multiply and replenish the earth..." as the old testament puts the Lord's admonition to Adam.)

For those of you who may have missed this section of high school "Life Science" class because your parents were uncomfortable with you learning about your naughty bits, this is done through males and females copulating (a.k.a. having sex, making whopee, getting their horizontal mambo on, mattress dancing, and just good old fashioned fucking.)

Why would the son of God be exempted from this command? He was sent to fulfil all righteousness. According to Christian dogma one should emulate Christ in all ways. If Christ fulfilled ALL righteousness then he performed ALL of the possible righteous acts. To say otherwise contradicts scripture. So by saying "he fulfilled all righteousness" and saying "he never got married or had sex" you are saying "anyone married and having sex with their spouse has committed un-righteousness."

Beside all of that, he choose one person above all others to reveal himself to first. Mary Magdalen. He did not visit his mother or apostles until after he saw Mary. He had not yet ascended to the Father (if you believe the New Testament account). Imagine, he visited her before God himself. Can you imagine the nagging if he hadn't? Ask any married man who they would visit first if they came back from the dead. If the answer isn't their wife she is liable to nag them about not coming first till they wished they weren't immortal. Jesus visiting his wife first was a matter of sanity preservation.

That is right folks, if Jesus fulfilled the law in its fullness as stated clearly in Christian dogma, he got laid. Deal with it.
*Devil's advocate mode OFF*

Now that I have made a few over-zealous Christian heads explode, did anyone bring the popcorn? I hear this movie is supposed to be good. Besides, every good Christian knows, Tom Hanks is the Anti-Christ...


Poopoocup said...

As a christian, I am offended.

Your blog offends me. My very being, to be exact.

Angel said...

I'm looking forward to watching the Da Vinci Code. The book was fascinating and it would be even more interesting to see it on the big screen...although I didn't exactly picture Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon. Oh well.

- Rev_Sapphire

Michael J. Clarkson, Jr. said...

I'm just glad someone had the balls to produce this movie despite Vatican saber rattling. The Vatican has gone so far as to threaten legal action. Can you imagine? Legal action over a work clearly labeled fiction.

<sarcasm>Le Poo, your piety inspires me. No longer shall I play the role of Satan....</sarcasm>

Lucifer always was a wuss anyway...