Thursday, May 20, 2010


"...He smokes his cigarette.
He stays outside till it's gone.
If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone..."

I've been in a mood of late. Wallowing in the melancholy. In a way it is a good thing. I am writing again. Prose, comedy, and even blogs. Tonight I sit here with mellow music, my beer, the smoke of my cigarette, and the cool night air. I just got back from performing at the House of Rock and while I should feel high I feel alone. Don't get me wrong, it was a great show. Fabian played 2 great sets, all of the comics were funny, even if the audience was unresponsive, and I got some stage time with the gang. This after being tapped to be co-announcer last weekend at roller derby with Cynde, giving me two chances to perform for the week. I should be riding a high.

I guess part of it is the anticipation of impending boredom as I recover from minor surgery to literally repair my ass hole. It is going to suck and not in the good way.

No. That's not it. I just feel alone. I know there are plenty of people who want to be with me and love me. I am rarely physically alone. I feel alone in the sense that while many people hear me, not many listen. I talk about wanting physical relationships, and I do, but I get those. I want someone that truly understands me, someone who hears my words and understands their meaning, someone strong and independent who is with me not because they need me but because they want me. Is that too much to ask? I wish I knew.

The upside of this is I am at my most creative when in this state. My demons need a voice. My voice needs to be heard. Maybe in their crying out they will find a kindred voice doing the same. If a kindred voice hears me, my demons want to know if you would like to go out for coffee...

"...And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's all the same for you I'll just hang."

*Quotes excerpted from Hang-Written by Rob Thomas, Performed by Matchbox 20

1 comment:

Tiffanie said...

This time Im not going to be anonymous... :)

I wish I had known that there was a show tonight. Oh well... Its good to see that your enjoying some time in the spotlight where you belong. I am happy that you are back to writing. I need to get back to doing that myself. I think about what it means to you for someone to not need you and want you just for you. a LOT... I wish there was a way that I could be there for you the same way you have always been for me. I try in my own way, and I know that this isnt about me... BUT - I am going to repeat my earlier comment. I am here for you. You are never far from my thoughts... maybe I havent always been what you needed at the time (wow... I sound like Willie Nelson) When you feel sad, I feel your pain. I know you inside and out. even when i misinterpret Mikenese. LOL

I know we've been having some good times these past few weeks... Please know that these have all been by choice. not necessity. We can watch Detective Stapler frown at people till they break or whatever and I still enjoy spending time with you. You still make my heart skip a beat and a half. I love that we are getting back to what makes sense to us both. Its hard to say what will come of this... Just know that I love you and hope you feel better soon. Call me and maybe we can go on a real date. Its been a while, hasnt it.

Talk at ya soon
Love, Me