I am about to throw a change up pitch here. I'm not posting about any current events or witty observations. I'm going to post about me. Not the blowhard know it all. Not the comedian goofball. Me.
I am a nearly 32 year old man. I have never had a truly successful relationship. I drink at home, by myself. I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks. I am surrounded by people who want to be around me and I all want to be is alone. Till I'm alone. Then I want to be near people. But I am a bit of a masochist so I stay alone, wallowing in the sweet melancholy of silence. Sometimes I turn on some blues and kick back with a beer. Like tonight, sitting here with the smooth guitar of Citizen Cope, Sideways and some Shiner Hefeweizen.
I live alone with my cat. If there is a more pathetic sentence, I'm not sure where one would find it. That's right, I am a cat owner. Well, I am a cat hold onto-er until Tiff can find a place where she can take the cat. I love my cat, don't get me wrong. It just doesn't do anything for the case for my heterosexuality. I'm 32, single, have seen Rocky Horror enough times to sing along, enjoyed Brokeback Mountain, and know what a duvet cover is. Add a cat and I might as well try out for Fire Island.
I quit my job a month ago and work independently. That is a great way to say I spend most of my days watching Law & Order marathons briefly sprinkled with last night's Daily Show and Scrubs re-reruns. Granted, it is nice to be able to work from home. Until the frige starts talking to you. So I work out. I lift bites of food to my mouth. I walk the long way from the couch to the kitchen. Sometimes I even go for multiple sets, multiple reps. Really helps the weight problem.
I guess what I am trying to say is what most men never admit to. I am depressed. It is hard to admit. It requires putting down the macho bravado, setting aside the ready joke, putting down the witty retort, and just saying it. Saying it in a public forum like this is a bit empowering. I know nobody actually reads this blog but the fact that anyone could feels good. In the off chance I am wrong and someone does read this and gets anything from it, let me know. Leave a comment, send an email, send a smoke signal, you get the idea.