Ask Mike, Dubbya edition

For this week's edition of Ask Mike we go to a (fake) email from a Mr. Dubbya where he asks (not really):

Dear Mike,

I keep trying to fix things in Iraq but nobody seems to see my vision. Their president has the insane notion HE is in charge even though I keep telling him he can only be in charge when he agrees with me. I keep supporting the Shiite leaders and can't for the life of me figure out why their mortal enemies the Sunnis are all pissed off. Why can't anyone understand that I talk to God and everyone should listen to me?

Yours Truly,
Dubbya

Dubbya,

Remember when you used to sit on Santa's lap and whisper your dream gift in his ear and come Christmas day you found socks under the tree instead? After a few Christmases like that your mom finally told you the man at the mall was just a hobo they paid to tell you what you wanted to hear and take your photo for $5.00 and then hand you a Saf-T-Pop on your way out. This is just like that. The "Voice of God" is just Cheney in a beard again. Stop throwing troops in the middle of two groups that hate each other. If you want to fix this you need to step the fuck out and hand it to the people who understand the situation.

You see, most of the countries surrounding Iraq are Sunni, the same branch of Islam as Saddam and the current bunch of insurgents. The Iranians and the current ruling class in Iraq are Shiite. These two hate each other like Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken and have for millenia. This is not going away because some stupid bumpkin from Texas says Jesus said so.

To stop this fighting you have to turn to the Sunni and Shiite nations surrounding Iraq, which incidentally won't help as long as we are there, and have them broker a deal. These lunatics will not listen to a nation they consider infidel invaders. They will on the other hand listen to the leaders of nations that are willing to eradicate them if they don't comply.

Now if you didn't understand any of this, tell Laura to read it and explain it to you. Hopefully for all our sakes she can get through you ignorant twit. Now go play in the sandbox and stop getting our boys killed because you are an ignorant ass that can't understand what happens when you try to break up a fight between rabid dogs.

Signed,
Mike

Tune in next time when I announce my candidacy for President in the 2012 election running on the "Fuck You" ticket.

Re-affirming my belief in our future

I just got back from judging the Calallen Speech and Debate Tournament. I've said it before and I'll say it again, just when my belief in our society is dwindling, I judge a tournament and those kids bring a spark of hope back to a roaring fire. I watch speakers who started rough around the edges last year grow into polished orators. I see kids tackling powerful topics with a passion and fire that inspires me. Topics that most adults are scared to skirt these kids plow right through. I am exhausted now from a full day of judging but I sleep tonight with renewed hope for the future.

Ask Mike, Atheism 101 Edition

I was asked a rather lengthy question by P. Martin in the comments of my last post and while I answered it there I found it worthy to pull to a more prominent place for all to see. As it is long and multi-part I will break it down, placing each answer in an indented paragraph.

"I have some questions about atheism. Maybe you know the answers."

First let me be clear, atheism is a rather broad category that merely implies lack of belief in a deity. My answers here stem from scientific atheism, or in the words of Richard Dawkins, Einsteinian Religion.

Q: Do atheists believe in ghosts, vampires, zombies, returning from the dead, etc.?

A: Using the strict definitions of those words no. I will caveat that there are many strange and well documented phenomenon which to this point science has not fully explained. I like to use the rule that when one hears hoof beats he should think horses, not zebras. To me it is the zebra syndrome when one labels something supernatural before eliminating the natural possibilities.

Q: Do atheists believe in any form of life after death?

A: No. There is no scientific evidence to support such a conclusion.

Q: Do atheists believe that if they kill someone and nobody ever finds out, then it’s ok?

A: To claim morals come from a belief in a god is horridly irresponsible. "Thou shalt not kill" existed long before Judeo-Christian theology. If I were to follow the morals laid out by the God of the Bible I would have to stone my child to death for disobedience, my wife would have to wear a veil and not speak unless spoken to, and I could explain away killing my first born by saying God made me do it. Belief in God does not equal having a solid moral code and disbelief in one does not mean lack of moral direction. In the atheist doing that which is right is intrinsically good and is not done out of fear of reprisal from a vengeful bearded old guy in the sky.

Q: Do atheists capitalize the name “Hitler”, but not the name “God”?

A: The name God refers to a specific deity also known as Allah, Elohim, Yaweh, and a myriad of other names by the big three monotheistic religions. The word god is not in and of itself a proper name as it could refer to any mythological being in the pantheon of gods and therefore, as it is not a proper noun, does not require capitalization. Hitler is on the other hand the proper name of a genocidal maniac.

Q: Is there an atheist spell-checker that ignores this “error”?

A: As it is in fact NOT an error, all spell-checkers should ignore it. Google toolbar does. Microsoft word as well.

Q: Do atheists think Hitler was a jerk, but only because he believed in a God?

A: Hitler was a jerk because he killed millions who believed differently than he did including gays, Jews, gypsies, and many Christians. He used God as justification for killing millions of people. If we look at the crusades and the Inquisition we see the same thing, God used to justify genocide. The book of Joshua in the Bible is filled with God induced genocide. Genocidal maniac = Bad guy, no matter what his justification.

Q: If atheists don’t believe in God, why do they care if anyone else believes in God? (I don’t believe in little green men from mars, but I could give a shit if you do)

A: I only care when that belief is used to justify wars, prejudice, or arcane laws with no basis in reality. Religion is a dangerous drug. Like other drugs, most addicts do little harm to others but the ones who do make it wise to rid the world of them entirely.

Q: During sex do atheists ever say “Oh God, I’m gonna’ cum!”?

A: Yes. At least I do. Beats "Oh science, I'm gonna cum!" doesn't it?

Q: When angry, do atheists ever say “God damn it!” or “Go to hell!”?

A: I use "Oh, God" and "God damn it" because "Oh, science" and "Reality damn it" just don't carry the same potency.

Q: Do atheists ever see the image of Christ on a bagel or a slice of toast?

A: No, but I once saw a Cheeto that looked like the Pope's hat.

Q: Do atheists never feel like “somebody up there” is watching out for them?

A: Every time I hear about Bush's NSA policies.

Q: Do atheists celebrate Christmas, take a Christmas vacation, or accept a Christmas bonus? If so, why?

A: I do. So does Richard Dawkins. Christmas has been a secular/pagan holiday for much longer than it was a Christian one. Jesus was just shoved in as an attempt to convert the pagans. Does anyone really still believe the man called Jesus was born in December? Really?

Q: When testifying in a court of law, are atheists required to swear on a bible?

A: Only truly backwards jurisdictions would force someone to swear on a book of fairy tales.

So kids, that about sums up our Ask Mike for today. Tune in next time when I tackle the question, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" Until next time remember to smile, it makes people wonder what you are up to.

Christmas thoughts of an atheist

I grew up in a very Jesus-centric household where every Christmas we read from the Bible and complained that Christmas was becoming too commercialized. Over those 27 holiday seasons I developed the knee-jerk reaction to rail against the secularization of the birth of our Lord. Over the last year my faith in religion as a whole has died and I enter my first holiday season as an atheist. This has generated some strange new emotions for me.

I spent an hour this morning wandering the Wal-Mart waiting for the bank to open so I could deposit my Christmas bonus. In my wanderings I couldn't help but feel an odd sense of the surreal at the strange juxtaposition of sounds wafting through this bastion of commercialism. The Christmas carols over the intercom mixed with the ads from the myriad televisions strategically placed throughout the store, all jarringly interrupted at random intervals with loud and often un-intelligible announcements over the PA system. The experience went something like, "Have your self a merry lit...Always low pri...WILL MARY SMITH PLEASE COME TO CUSTOMER SERVICE, YOUR MRHH MEH HUMPH IS MATING...from now on your troubles will be far aw...come see the next generation in shaving from Gille...ATTENTION WAL-MART SHOPPERS, WE HAVE A SPECIAL ON PENNZOIL IN OUR AUTOMOTIVE SECTION..." Because nothing says "Birth of Jesus" like a case of discount 5w-30.

I stopped at McDonald's and washed down a $3.00 heart attack with coffee and orange juice, allowing myself to take in fully the experience of holiday discount shopping. In years past I would have been in church at this time, fighting a boredom induced coma while listening to someone tell the story of the Christ child with their "new" and "interesting" perspective. By new I mean the same old story with slightly different colored paint. By interesting I mean somewhere between watching said paint dry and Chinese water torture. Now here I was dining in the Shrine of Gluttony located within the Cathedral of Lower Prices. Such irony is not lost on me.

As the time came for the bank to open I went and deposited the funds I would soon be donating to the Perpetuate Christian Mythology to Promote Economic Growth Fund, or PCMPEGF, and walked out into an unusually brisk wind. There was the bell ringer, standing there ringing his little bell and singing a very off-key rendition of jingle bells. His nose was red from the biting cold wind and few people even took the time to glance his way but he seemed genuinely happy.

I pulled the two wrinkled dollars I had in my pocket left over from the night of drinking and debauchery we had after the company Christmas party and slipped it in his little red can. The words "Merry Christmas" rolled off my tongue in reply to this jolly old man's "God bless you".

It was at that moment that I realized, whether you believe the man Jesus was Son of God or just the wise son of a carpenter, his words of peace and love still have meaning. This old man had found joy in standing out in the cold ringing a bell to raise money for those less fortunate than him. I can't help but think that it was this that Christ was talking about, that selfless love of your fellow man, regardless of his race, creed, opinion, or religion. It is in that selfless, blind love that lies the secret to peace on earth. If you do nothing else this holiday season between fighting crowds, dealing with family and wrapping gifts, take a moment and give to one of the myriad charities out there trying to make life on this big spinning rock of ours better. It may not get you off the naughty list but at least it will help when you go to Santa hoping to appeal that lump of coal he left. Not to mention the tax-deductibility of said donation come IRS time... Merry Christmas, from your favorite atheist. Have a safe and happy holiday.

Ask Mike, debate geek edition

In this edition of Ask Mike we answer an email from one of the debate students I judge. (For my non-debate geek readers I will give editorial translation in parenthesis. That and insert pithy remarks here and there.)

1) What are your author quals? (Translated: If I use you in round as a source, what can I say when someone tries to verify your qualifications.)
2) Why is seniorcorps such a horrible program?
3) Does in-round discourse - especially kritiks of the debate system - actually mean anything? (Translation: I spell critique weird because I was taught by a snooty intellectual elitist? Oh yeah, do you judge on them?)
--Dave

Dave, your spelling of critique made my brain hurt trying to figure out the question on three. I am guessing you learned that spelling from a scholarly nerd type. That kind of crap gets you a wedgie in no time. Onward and upward:

1) My author quals, personally, are that I am God, know everything worth knowing, and know that nine out of ten judges don't check quals. Oh, yeah, I am also a published political pundit, expert at trivial pursuit, and have an I.Q. of 165. (Editors note: All true. I am my own personal God...) I wouldn't use a card from me to build your entire case but to instead flesh it out and strengthen your evidence.

2) Poor organization. Giving old people a reason not to die is on paper a good cause. Using fiat a properly run affirmative can totally win with it but in reality Senior Corps is under funded and thus overworks the volunteers it has. As long as an affirmative has cards to defend against the obvious euthanasia attack it can be a strong case.

(Translation: The current CX debate resolution states that the US Government should substantially increase the number of persons serving in various service organizations and Senior Corps is one many debate teams have chosen. In my explanation I discuss a bunch of debate )

3) Critique is like topicality for me, it has to be flawless, elegant, and clear to score any points. Often it is silly and as long as Affirmative at least touches on it, it falls. One team ran a topicality against re-instating the draft that said that military service did not qualify as service under the resolution. This directly contradicts the resolution as it specifically mentions armed services and thus falls the moment it is uttered. In place of a weak critique or T I would suggest a DA, inherency, or even a nice solvency attack. Sometimes a well worded counter-plan is nice.

Speaking of which, I have been thinking about the Chuck Norris CP and if the fake silliness is pulled out it could work. Replace the "Chuck Norris supports the FDIC" junk with actual facts about his own volunteer work and assistance with Federal volunteer programs and you have a CP that kicks as much ass as he does.

(Translation: Blah blah blah, bunch of debate specific crap that doesn't translate.)


Well, that's all for this time kids. Remember, send me your questions on any topic and I will make fun of... I mean answer them.

Behold! Rising from the dust! It's....

The Ask Mike column is back for the first time since December of '05. This is the column where my readers (all three of you) email me questions and I make fun of... I mean answer... them. Seriously, send any question to me via email (mclarksonazATgmail.com with the @ character in place of AT), blog comment, myspace message, or carrier pigeon and I will answer it in a future blog post. Hopefully my new minions from speech and debate tournaments will post topic related questions (hint, hint, nudge, nudge) that I can answer for their enlighenment and use in rounds (free speaker points for quoting me). In fact, what I would like to see ultimately is all of the students who have the address here refering their entire team. My goal is to have kids I have never met using my thoughts in debate and speech rounds the world over. Ambitious goal I admit but a worthy one. We future rulers of the world have to have dreams...

"Gee, Brain, what are we going to do tonight?"
"The same thing we do every night Pinky, try to take over the world!"

Hope for the future

I spent the weekend judging debate at GP. It is rejuvenating to be reminded that the next generation is in fact not full of idiots but minds that fill me with hope. These kids actually care and are just waiting for the information they need to go out and change the world. I get so psyched when I watch these kids light up at stuff so many adults only pretend to care about. Politics, values, and looking at otherwise mundane facts from fresh new angles. Makes me wish I had taken the teaching path in my career life. When I get a chance I will be posting information on some of the topics these kids are addressing this year.

Out of the random randomness

I was going to post something on Kim Jom Nitwit in North Korea but I was tired. I was going to post something on Mark Foley but the media really beat that horse to death and then started kicking it. I have had a myriad of topic ideas that I started to write about until the ADD kicked in and it was like, "Kim Jom Il is a poopyhead blah blah blah...Oh look, a new post in the Wired Table of Malcontents..." I swear sometimes I have the attention span of a three year old.

Then my wife brings home her friends from work and I start to feel so old. All of her new work friends are at least 7 years younger than me. These people are fresh out of high school and still a bit wet behind the ears. It is the first time ever I have had parties where I am the first to call it a night. Every day I look in the mirror and see more gray hair in my beard. If I did not color it the hair on my head would match. I feel a little better when a clerk checks my ID for beer but then I am brought down when they proceed to ID the 50 year old behind me.

As I get older I have started noticing, it is truly the small things in life that get me by. A cold beer in the fridge or warm kiss from my wife, a wave and smile from a stranger or a hug from a friend. For instance, each morning I drive my little girl to school. On the way I pass a crossing guard. There is nothing out of the ordinary about this crossing guard, just a nice middle aged woman, and I wouldn't know her from Adam, yet every time I drive by she has a wave and a nice smile waiting. I never even noticed that we wave at each other every day until today when she had gone to her car and wasn't in her usual spot. It was like a little hole in the day. That got me thinking and hence you have this post.

What little things get you through your day? Watch and see if you notice the small things you would ordinarily take for granted and then imagine your day without them. Then reply with those things here.

Fun words

Wanker. Kolache. Poop. Wenus. Booger. Some words are just so much fun to say. I was chatting with the coolest chick from Ohio who now lives in Texas and used the word wanker and it made me laugh. Being the attention deficient bozo I am, my brain derailed from the conversation at hand to funny sounding words.

Dave Barry had the theory that any sentence could be made funny just by a properly inserted use of the word booger. For example, the sentence "Kim Jom Il just tested a nuclear device, much to the chagrin of President George W. Bush" is quite serious. We could make it funny just by inserting booger thus, "Kim Booger Il just tested a booger device, much to the chagrin of President George W. Booger." Suddenly we have comic gold. Try it sometime. Next time you have to give a speech, randomly insert the word booger. Even if they don't laugh, they will give you funny looks and that just means they are laughing on the inside.

Paradigm Shift

For those unfamiliar with the concept of paradigm shift, I once heard it explained this way:

A man was riding the subway home from work and watched as a haggard looking woman with her four vociferous children climbed aboard. The moment the doors closed the children began tearing about the car with reckless abandon while the haggard woman merely stared into space as if she saw nothing.

The man slowly became annoyed by the woman's indifference to her children's horrid behaviour and finally approached her, asking her to control her children. The woman quickly apologized as she rounded up her children and then offered the following explanation of her absent-mindedness.

"I am sorry sir, we just came from the hospital where my husband died suddenly today. I was trying to find the words to explain this to my children and I guess I got lost in thought."

The man was nearly struck dumb by this as his annoyance vanished into shame for his anger with this poor woman and pity for her plight. He had experienced the extreme change in his point-of-view that is a paradigm shift.

I bring up the topic of paradigm shift today because lately I have taken stock in my own complete paradigm shifts. In religion I have gone from devout Mormon to agnostic bordering on atheist. In politics I have gone from Republican to dissident with large amounts of disdain for both parties. In my views on sex and sexuality I have gone from the narrow Christian view of sex being between one man and one woman to acceptance of my poly-amorous, bi, and homosexual friends even to the point of fighting for gay marriage. It makes me wonder what other changes are in store for me as my horizons broaden?

Scott Adams posed a question the other day on the Dilbert Blog asking, "If a man goes into the forest and pokes a bear with a sharp stick, and the bear kills the man, whose fault is it?" He then further poses, "Now substitute an irrational human being for the bear. The guy with the stick knows he’s dealing with an irrational and potentially violent person, and he pokes him with the stick anyway. Just like the bear, the irrational guy kills the guy who poked him." Who's fault is it? This further begs the question, who is the truly irrational one, the poker or the pokee? (Further, is pokee even a word?)

When applying this conundrum to the middle east crisis, for instance, we have three major groups, Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. Logic dictates that for the doctrine of any one to be right the other two HAVE to be wrong. This is assuming that all three groups aren't suffering from different versions of the same delusion. Imagine for a moment finding out the followers of a faith other than your own were the only right ones. No matter which faith you pick, you will only have a very small percentage of the world with you in heaven. Maybe it is my inner atheist talking but to me this doesn't sound like the hand of an all knowing and loving God. The logic flaw to me is quite clear but how does one create a mass paradigm shift amongst billions of people at once? Find the answer to that and you have found the solution to world peace. Or maybe it is I who is irrational.

Of cars and shiny things

Yesterday I woke up like any other day, got ready for work, and went down to my car. I had noticed the smell of antifreeze the night before and wanted to check my fluids. I opened the radiator and much to my chagrin, it was bone dry. I re-filled it and looked under the car. Sure enough it looked like my engine block was taking a piss. Shit. I finally tracked the leak to a crack in the block. There goes my mode of transportation.

I called up my buddies over at Ed Hicks Nissan to see if they could hook me up with a deal. I built their network and thought them to be my best chance at finding a reliable set of wheels. I fully expected to drive away in a car from their used lot with the highest mileage they had. I was wrong. Today I have a brand new, hot off the showroom floor, Nissan Sentra. The odometer read 20 at the time I drove it off. They cut me a great deal and financed me at 5%, a rate I haven't seen since my first wife pillaged my credit. It is great and as it turns out a perfect extra birthday gift for my wife who's birthday is today.

Of course I bought her real birthday gift last week with the assistance of Isa, who might I add has impeccable taste and will be my personal shopper after I make my first million. I went a little over my budget with the gift but I think it will make her smile. Tiff has been trying to get it out of me. I keep telling her it is poop in a bag with glitter on it but she doesn't believe me. She won't accept that poop in a bag is all the rage. I hear Paris Hilton carries hers everywhere she goes. Oh well, at least she won't be out of the fashion loop when I give it to her... Happy birthday baby.

Making up

Life is good again. Sunday afternoon Tiff was sitting in the chair after what could only be described as a tense week. I was walking behind the chair and out of instinct touched her arm. That one touch of my hand smashed the ice that had been hanging around us all week. So apologies were shared and wounds tended to and life is back as it should be. Making up almost makes a fight worth it.

Having spent the last 8 years of my life as a married man(2 marriages but who's counting), I have discovered a few things I feel I must share. Call it advice to live by. Much of it is gross generalization but as is the case when I generalize, I don't care.

• Men: No matter how right you are, you are wrong. Deal with it. You could have Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, and Marilyn vos Savant on your side and you will still be wrong unless your answer is, "Yes dear, I don't know how I could have thought such a thing. Please forgive my having been born without the superior intellect provided by a vagina."
• Men: The correct answer to, "Does this make my ass look fat?" is to have a massive heart attack on the spot. As much as you want to say, "No, your ass makes your ass look fat" it just isn't going to improve your quality of life. If you tell her no she will call you a liar and then you will never leave her sight again you dirty lying bastard who has broken her trust. Death really is the only out on this.
  
• Women: Men cannot fully wrap their brains around the whole using emotions as rational arguments concept. "But that is how you made me feel" is NOT a real argument to a man and will cause them to look at you like you have lost your mind. Men like hard concepts we can wrap our brains around. You start using emotion as logic and we are lost. We are just stupid like that.
  

Take these little nuggets of truth and remember them. I can hear marriage counselors all over the world recognizing a disturbance in the force. I post this and a million divorce lawyers scream in terror all at once and are silenced. I really need to stop thinking I have that much influence over my readers.

Inked

So this is the tattoo I got Tuesday night. It is exactly what I wanted and couldn't have turned out better. Lucas at Electra Art did an awesome job. It is also the cause of the worst birthday I have had in my 28 years. Allow me to explain.

As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, I have planned on getting this tat for months. Tiff and I decided to make it my birthday present to me. Tiff has three tats of her own and it was high time I got at least one. We took our time finding the right artist and finally scheduled it for Tuesday night. I counted the seconds.

Tuesday morning Tiff was too sick to go to work and went to the doctor. She had somehow contracted the worst case of Texas quick-step ever. The doctor hooked her up with some drugs and as far as I knew, the problem had ebbed. I was set to drop Jasmine with her mom for visitation.

Tattoo time rolls around and I am headed to drop off Jasmine. I was stoked like you would not believe. I called Tiff to ask if she was ready and she drops a bombshell. She said something to the effect of, "I can't go tonight, can you re-schedule?"

My week was already booked solid so it would have to be next Monday at earliest. I had cash for the tat but the way things work in our house I couldn't entirely trust that would be the case for long. So I made a judgment call. Some might say bad call and you may be right. I went anyway and got the tat. To be entirely honest I really didn't want anyone there looking over my shoulder when I got it. I was mildly relieved that no one was coming along.

I knew Tiff really wanted to be there and knew I would catch some flak for going alone. For me it was a birthday destroyer no matter which way I went. I could please Tiff by re-scheduling and run the risk of not getting the tat at all or be a little selfish and get my gift to me on my own terms. Right or wrong, I thought I deserved a little leeway seeing as it was my birthday and I rarely do anything that is just for me. I rationalized that Tiff goes to the spa and otherwise does things for herself on special occasions, why can't I do this one thing to celebrate a year of such great change for me? I deserve to be a little bit selfish without major retribution, right?

Apparently not. Apparently spoiling myself without permission is an offence worthy of the silent bitchy treatment, even on my birthday. In fact the only conversations I had with my wife on my birthday ended in "You're such an asshole." I was wished a happy birthday by everyone but my wife. I spent the evening of my birthday home alone with only a bottle of Cuervo Especial, some beer, and Spike TV to keep me company. Happy fucking birthday to me. Whether or not I deserved it I will leave my readers to decide.

On pins and needles

I am getting my tattoo tonight, hence the witty title. Tonight the mark of the wolf graces my shoulder forever. I am totally psyched.

My birthday is in two days and that has made me a bit reflective. I remember all of those old career days at school where teachers would ask, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" 10 years ago I was a horny 18 year old college freshman looking forward to my next bottle of Jack Daniels. My 28th birthday was like a lifetime away. I was lucky to have plans for Saturday, much less a decade later. I don't think I would have ever put myself here in my 10 year vision statement. Hell, I wouldn't have put myself here a year ago.

The whole ritual of celebrating being one year closer to worm food makes us take stock in where we are. This year I am 28 and for the first time really feel like myself. I don't have to conform to any one world view and can let myself be who I am without fear of disappointing anyone. Where will I be in 10 years? Ask me when I'm 38.

Mark Twain once said "Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned." I couldn't agree more. My longtime readers (and anyone who reads my archives) have seen my own process of unlearning the conservative Christian dogma. Today I feel a level of freedom in seeing old delusions for what they are.

Metalhead's lullaby

Next week is my 28th birthday so Big John and I had a guy's day out. We spent the day at Sounds of the Underground, which by the way I highly recommend to anyone looking for nine hours of metal madness. I am now burnt to a crisp from the Texas sun which was running about 2.5 million degrees today, have a headache the size of Wisconsin, and am sore from head to toe. When I say head to toe I mean even the muscles that control my eyes hurt. Yet in my ears I hear the metalhead lullaby. For my readers who have never experienced the pure rush that is the pit of a large metal show, allow me to explain a bit about pit dynamics.

Pit formation is a glorious thing to watch. First a space opens in the press of bodies that is a concert crowd. Then one or two slam dancers enter the space, rhythmically punching and kicking in a way that vaguely resembles having a gran mal seizure. These posers are soon crushed by the moshers in a violent orgy of rhythmic smashing each other the fuck down. The driving rhythm of the drums, the roar of the lead singer and the scream of the guitar whips the mass of hair and banging heads to a frenzy, ending only when the music stops.

Tonight I came to the realization I am getting old. About sundown I had to sit on the grass hill off to the side of the pit area. I laid back and felt the ground rumble beneath me. I stared up at the stars as the band "As I Lay Dying" powered through their metal anthems I was at one with the universe. Even now I can feel the rumble and hear the screaming guitars. This is the metalhead's lullaby.

In any case, it was an awesome day overall. Now I am going to sleep for about a week.