It's that time of year again where families join together over a large dead (hopefully) flightless bird and thank God they don't have to do this again till next year...except Christmas...shit...someone pass the tranquilizer and a glass of tequila the size of my head...
Thanksgiving, the time when families all over this great nation get together to give thanks, eat turkey, watch football, and drive each other out of their fucking skulls. I mean how better to make yourself nuts than to invite 10-20 of your closest relatives to come into your house with a dining table that normally seats 6.
Add to that the stress of cooking "like mama did" which everyone knows is bullshit. "Mama" could have had the bird black on the outside and frozen in the center yet if you cook it like Emeril, someone will claim it was dry. This is what led to "Mama's" drinking problem and that stroke last Christmas after someone reminded her of how her "Mama" cooked.
So how do we get past this? I offer the following solutions.
- Cooking the turkey in tequila.
- Locking up anything that could be used as a weapon.
- Having Cracker Barrel on speed dial.
- Did I mention tequila?
- Having a couple of Valium with your tequila.
- An industrial sized bottle of aspirin for the hangover from the tequila.
You guessed it...the tequila just kicked in...Happy Turkey Day!