Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Teardrops of a clown

I want to write something today. I haven't posted of late and wanted to do at least an "I am here" post. I have spent the morning trying to find something funny to write but I can't. My brain is a mess. Events this morning have me analyzing where I am.

In my career I am stuck in mind numbing doldrums. I work for my parents and we live with them. I quit and "voila", it is sleeping on a park bench. I am caged.

In my marriage, my career is destroying it. My wife has zero respect for my job because I am paid with housing. There is little actual cash involved and since she has a normal 9-6 job she cannot see the value of my job. As you all know, I have a big ego and having to swallow it to keep the peace is not an easy task. Add to that we have no privacy and my parents are driving us mad. We had a fight today that went from zero to shit storm in no time flat. My last words to her were "FUCK OFF" and to be honest, I'm not sure why. When I got home I stopped outside and cried. I had no reason to treat her like that. No excuse for that behavior. I feel like scum.

In my spiritual life, my faith is dead. I know my atheist friends are giving a tiny hooray but for me it feels empty. I spent my life believing I had a Father up above looking out for me. I had a brother in Christ who died for me. I had the promise of eternal life with my wife and kids by my side. It is disorienting at best for that to just suddenly end. It hurts to think death will part me from my wife and kids. It hurts me so deep inside I cannot find the source.

My head is swimming. I feel like a caged beast. Thoughts of rage, fear, panic, and hate scream drowning hope and faith.

For those who come here to laugh, I am sorry to let you down today. Now you have witnessed the teardrops of a clown.

7 comments:

Brock Neilson said...

First off,

Mike, I really think you need to make some art, some poetry, some jagged essays, something, anything to express this stuff, for you to see it in a tangible form and to get it out of your system.

Living with and working for the parents sounds just like what my parents did when they were first married. Guess what happened to them? Well the family business fell through the floor and the grandparents took everything and left my parents to burn, this made the rift between them even wider; it has never mended, nor has the rift between both of my parents mended.

I don't know if these parents would do that, but I still cannot imagine the stress the situation is causing you.

I am sure it isn't beyond you to apologize to your wife, but I don't know what happened in the argument; I am sure you will use your best judgment.

I can understand the spiritual thing, only to a degree. I am so furious with the ways in which people abuse religious authority and it so hard for me to believe and to go to church when I do not fit the mould most of the other members do.

As one of your more religious friends, I can say that sometimes life just sucks, but you still have to get up and believe what you think, feel, or even just what you want to believe; at least that is what I do. Sometimes I would like to get up to the pulpit and tell everyone to "go to Hell!", but I don't, I just keep going, even when I don't feel like it.

"My head is swimming. I feel like a caged beast. Thoughts of rage, fear, panic, and hate scream drowning hope and faith."

This sounds very poetic to me.

Would you mind if I used some of the images from this post for when I do the sketches of you?

Brock Neilson said...

Not to over comment, but I do hope the best for you, Mike, I will even pray for you, and believe me, I don't pray often.

I really want you and your family to be able to get through this.

Angel said...

I've already said all I can regarding this situation.

You know you have the support and respect of your friends if you choose to break free from your folks - but you two have got to DO SOMETHING about this, instead of taking the path of least resistance in order to keep some semblance of peace.

This is killing you guys - get out while you can.

- Rev_Sapphire

PooPooCup said...

Have you ever thought of speaking to your parents? Seriously - Telling them you appreciate their help but you feel like your life is not moving on. I mean, monthly rent is much less than what you would bring home if you were working outside the family business. That's even including food. Perhaps you can work something out.

Then again, I don't know your family. Maybe your parents are hanging something over your head or are great at creating guilt. Maybe you could stay with a friend or with your wife's family til you get on your feet. Then again, I don't know that situation either.

I agree with Brock that apologizing to your wife is something that can be done. We always end up saying things we don't mean, especially to our spouses, when emotions are high. They are the ones we expect to read our minds and feelings and anticipate our meltdowns. We expect them to fix us before we explode. Funny how that works, huh? Then again, I do not know your wife.

Just my opinion. I wouldn't put too much stock in it, afterall, my name is Poopoocup.

Oh and I wouldn't bet on all of your athiest friends dancing the jig at your faltering faith. Friends don't do that. Well, maybe "freinds" do but compassionate humans don't. We've all been there.

Hang on, life's a great hike, even when you step in shit along the way.

Angel said...

I agree with PooPooCup...Being one of your so-called Athiest Friends, I certainly am not celebrating your loss of faith. I appreciate how powerful and helpful faith can be and I remember the moment I gave up hope. Since then I've accepted a more realistic approach to life and what happens next...but I can understand the painful tearing away of one's beliefs.

*HUG*

- Rev_Sapphire

StrawberryBlondeTart said...

I haven't posted anything lately and I wish i had in my power to really say whats on my mind lately. My entire body hurts because I feel so depressed. I don't think I am the type to really express the depth of hurt that I experience when my best friend/lover/husband completely turns against me and slaps me in the face. I am here at work wondering why I am even here right now. I dont post a lot anymore because I don't want to worry those of you who know how bottled up i try to be or to make you think i am trying to be a drama queen. Im not. This is the raw me.

Mike
I dont respect what you do and that bothers you... I dont respect it because every day it tears us apart more and I cannot and refuse to respect something that hurts us. I would respect you more if you worked at McDonalds even if we had to live on a park bench for a week or two.

You do not put a roof over our heads... your parents put a roof over your head and jasmine's head... I'm there to be with you and because I will not and refuse to leave your side. remember that...

It shouldnt matter who gets up first... But it does because you refuse to actually get up without someone poking and prodding you. I really need you to be awake when you drive me to work. I plan on getting my driver's license back soon but it will take some time.

I hope you know that every day that I succeed at doing what I do brings me closer to my independence. I think you should acknowledge the fact that that bothers the shit out of you. You once told me that you needed to be leaned upon and that you needed to be needed. I chose to need you. I continue to choose to need you everyday that I am with you. I am what you wanted (thats what you told me) so dont act like I am a thorn in your side.

I love you beyond all reason and that has never been a question for me. Not one person that knows us has ever questioned that. I think maybe you do sometimes. The fact that I cant deal nicely with your parents anymore doesnt mean I dont love you. The constant things that we fight about are petty and childish... I have realized that I need to look out for my own sanity... Bowing to a constant dictator is not going to ever lead to sanity for anyone.

I love you.

Brock Neilson said...

Mike,
I put up a larger picture of that sketch at my blog, its in the same post, I just replaced the old picture with a bigger one.