Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Search engine whoring

I've been looking to up my readership lately. I read all of the Blogger help mumbo jumbo which basically says:

  • Write quality content.

  • Make it interesting.

  • Link to other sites and pray they link to you.

  • Sacrifice your first three children to the God of the internet. (Jon Postel according to the BBC)

I think I might have imagined that last one. Anyone who has read my blog knows I am too lazy for the first three. So I have devised a plan using search engine optimization tricks to boost my ratings. Use the words "How To" a lot. Make lots of headings followed by bulleted lists. Google bots eat this stuff up. Then write a short how to on a random topic. It will be GREAT! Here goes:

How to remove spyware

  • First, check you computer for spies. This works best if you pretend to leave the room, then quietly sneak up on the computer. If you see a little guy in a trenchcoat going through your internet history, you are infected. Or having a psychotic break. One of the two.

  • Next, capture the spy and interrogate him to see who he works for. Shine a light in his face and tell him, "Ve have vays ov makink you talk!" It is common knowledge that spies hate bad German accents.

  • Finally, call in a hitman like me to "dispose" of the spy. (Or a psychiatrist if you actually see a man in a trenchcoat). For the purposes of plausible deniability we hitmen won't say what we do with spies, but it definitely involves a mess.

  • You should always practice safe hex. Don't download from unknown sources. You have no idea where that code has been. Don't be a dirty code whore.

I figure if enough search engines see the howto info on this site, traffic will increase. If traffic increases I will eventually have enough people brainwashed with my witty analysis that I can TAKE OVER THE WORLD! MUHAHAHA!!!

I really need to cut back on the caffeine...

1 comment:

Angel said...

For some reason I don't think you'll ever end up taking over the world...but you'll certainly have fun trying. Hee-hee!

- Rev_Sapphire