Friday, December 23, 2005

Out of love

"What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil." -Nietzsche

I have a deep burning question to ask. Is it truly wrong to obscure details that would hurt a loved one if knowing those details would bring only pain, anger, or other ill feeling?

If for instance someone who's opinion is always horrible and of no account says something hurtful of a loved one, are you obligated to share that with the loved one? Is it a lie not to give full disclosure of details that in the grand scheme only do harm?

Moreover, could you trust a person who purposefully omitted such detail? Is there anything truly beyond good and evil? If to lie is to deceive but there is no deception in the omission, is it a lie? Is full disclosure always the best policy? Should we always disclose every hateful thing to those we love for the sake of trust? Could you trust someone who constantly bears bad news and ill words that had you not known would have caused you no harm? If so, could you love them if all that they tell you brings hurt?

Is it more noble to shield someone from hurt or hand all of it off to them?

How can one be a knight in shining armor if you aren't allowed to protect?


Angel said...

I feel, leaving the bad mojo between the loved one and the 3rd party to them (and them alone) is better than turning yourself into the bearer of bad news.

If the 3rd party isn't man/woman enough to take it up with the person they have beef with, then it's their lie not to be completely honest (not yours).

BUT...if this bad news is something that will effect the loved one (with or without their knowledge of the 3rd person's involvement), then sharing what you know is more of a warning than a passing on of hurtful info.

Er.........maybe I'm just completely confused.

- Rev_Sapphire

JC's wife said...

Since you asked..

It seems ok to keep it to yourself. I mean, what is there to be gained by sharing something that could've been said in anger or because of a bad day.

Hypothetical example:

Say my husband's mom/dad/other doesn't like me. Say my husband knew but didn't tell me and later on, not only did I find out that I wasn't liked but that my husband knew it all along and kept it from me, I might be a bit angry. Although I would be irritated with him for not telling me, I believe I would mostly be mad, hurt really, that I was not liked. I think my frustration towards him would be because I would have put forth a wasted effort to be nice to someone who didn't like me. My anger towards him would only be a byproduct of my hurt feelings. In the end, feelings belong to the person who possesses them and ONLY that person is responsible. You should never unload your feelings on someone else. I know this from recent experience. A family member of mine unloaded on me at an inappropriate time. Instead of being happy about something, his pissyness turned my joy into sadness. It clouded my special day. Of course, I am responsible for allowing it. I should have just let him vent (which he should have kept to himself instead of being a selfish asshole) and threw it out the window. Being human, I let his feelings affect mine. Keep in mind, no matter what you do, you will always piss someone off. We all get over it.
On the flip side, if my husband did tell me his mom/dad/other didn't like me, I would be irritated and might not be nice thus, creating a problem. I might not go over there or I might confront them. Perhaps by not telling me, my husband would be keeping peace. Because, it may be that I might never find out unless he told me.
It's a double edge...
Not telling someone is not a sign of being untrustworthy. Its just a sign that you're not a gossip. If the 3rd party doesn't have the balls to speak up, their opinion or feeling must not be that worthy.

Just my opinion and like you said in an earlier post... we all got opinions.

Regardless, it sounds like you are in a pickle. Best of luck. You'll do the right thing.

On to positive energies, how's the Clarkson family diet?

Brock Neilson said...

Really interesting post.

This really depends on the person I think.

I like to know everything and I sometimes force it out of the people I know if they only give me vague details.
I only do this to my closest friends though.

I do have some close friends who get really wound up at hearing bad news. With these friends I evaluate the information in terms of if they actually need to hear it or not. If it isn't going to help, and they don't insist on hearing the info, I don't tell them.

But sometimes bad news is good to hear, like if it is constructive criticism that I don't have the guts to give them myself. Relaying the criticism can help them to change for the better sometimes, but these situations are very rare I think.

With me, though, I find that I like to get as much information as I can, bad or good. I like to know what people say and think, espesially when I don't agree with them, that is when the information is most amusing.

I do make it a point to highlight compliments people make about my friends and family, it makes them feel better. Sometimes the information is a compliment with some criticism; If I choose to relay both I usually put more emphasis on the compliment to smooth things over.

I do feel that knowing the criticism really well is painful, it hurts, but for me I feel that what I can learn from relayed information is worth the pain it causes, some people do not feel this way and must be handled delicatly.

Anyway, I am sorry I haven't been around, I re-published my blog and lost all my links, and I haven't been able to find yours until now.

I have missed you blog.


Brock Neilson said...

I meant to say,

"I have missed your blog"

Also, I really love the quote from Macbeth. Macbeth rocks.

Michael J. Clarkson, Jr. said...

Thanks for all the input. I'll be writing more in a little while. I do feel a bit better about not beeing free with negative info.

Great to see you again Brock.

Michael J. Clarkson, Jr. said...

jc' wife: to answer your other question, I have dropped a couple of pant sizes myself and we are both noticing small changes. The diet seems to be working slowly but surely.

JC's Wife said...

That's AWESOME guys! Kudos on the weight loss.

I received the Martha Stewart Baking Handbook for xmas as I love to bake. I was a pastry chef in a former life and Elvis, but that's another story. Anyway, I feel MY ass getting bigger when I look at that book.

Keep up the good work, I am now living through you two. No pressure, though. Just goodwill.