MySpace is EVIL!

Today kids we are going to discuss that evil MySpace.com and other such sites that your mommy and daddy are too stupid to understand and therefore must be harmful to you. Bloggers are all evil perverts. Someone posing as a 16 year old girl could in fact be a 65 year old hermaphrodite named Stinky Pete. These people might say dirty words to you like, "WHO R U" or "ROFLMAO". We parents have no idea what these mean so they must be dirty. We have tried blocking you but the glowy box you call computer vexes us so we must instead lay down some rules.

• If Katie Couric ever tells us it might be harmful we are so pulling the plug. She is peppy and has nice legs so she must know what she is talking about.
• You must never post your real name, age, or location (yes I am talking to you L33t HaX0R7 age 153 from Gelgomac Prime) or some pervert might find you.
• Never post real pictures of yourself. Only use stick figures or possibly someone else's.
• Never describe yourself as hot, good looking, or anything that might attract fellow human beings. Homely people don't get raped. At least Katie Couric hasn't told us about any homely raped people.
  
• Never use dirty words. Just because daddy says it when he hits his thumb with a hammer while "fixing" things does not give you license to say it.
• Never post anything about your actual life. You should always bottle up your teen angst so years later you can pay for your therapist's new Jaguar. Either that or end up shooting your classmates so we can blame guns instead of poor parenting.

I hope you have learned a valuable lesson today kids. When you grow up, you can be uninformed and scared of technology too. Now be a good little boy or girl and go get mommy or daddy right now so he or she can see what you've just read. Specifically point out the next sentence.

*GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASSES AND LEARN WHAT MYSPACE IS INSTEAD OF LETTING THE UNINFORMED FEAR MONGERS AT DATELINE AND THE OTHER "NEWS" SOURCES THINK FOR YOU, YOU STUPID LAZY MORON! Thank you.

Who says systems administrators aren't the new Sith Lords...

You Are 90% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

This isn't surprising to any of my regulars is it? Didn't think so.

DSL comes up on the 28^th if SBC can extricate their heads from their asses. Otherwise they will also need to extricate my boot.

I am Sys Admin, hear me roar

Behold, the return of the mighty God among Geeks...

I have a new job as a systems administrator for a local company and I am finally getting both pay and respect I deserve. The network here is not large or extremely complex but I have been brought in to fix it and then expand it. My DSL is supposed to get turned on at the house this week so I will be able to return to my old verbose self. Until then, I will post little snippets here and there when I get the chance.

Of Man Berries and Frilly Things

The Olympics suck. I will be more specific. The events covered by NBC suck.

Snowboarding gets a half hour block, not complete coverage.

Speed skating, which involves men slipping into body condoms and showing off their man berries, gets hours of full coverage.

Hockey gets relegated to an obscure channel until finals so a dude in a frilly shirt can execute a flawless triple mocha half-caf (or whatever) to the music of Kenny G.

Ski jump, where idiots speed down a hill and fly through the air aided only by sticks strapped to their feet, gets bumped for curling in which a bunch of guys named Doug can sweep the ice in front of a rock in a glorified game of ice marbles. This is what happens when the Olympic committee is allowed to drink Canadian beer.

I think the new rule should be that no Olympic event not involving a real risk of death should ever be allowed to preempt Law and Order. And no event involving man berries being shown flagrantly should ever see the light of day...still trying to reboot brain from flipping past speed skating...

He he, I said man berries more than once in a single post. You must admit, it is fun to say. Try it. People will look at you weird. Hey, stop looking at me like that. This is what you get when I am allowed to post while drinking...

Of Wolf and Man

The other night Tiff, Denise, Arika, and I all went out for coffee. Then we went to chill at Heritage Park which is a collection of restored historical homes surrounding a beautiful rose garden. We spread out sleeping bags and relaxed, sharing stories and Tiff's book of poetry.

Before I go further, Heritage Park is a place where the paranormal is quite active. The historical homes there are teeming with, well, afterlife. This can lead to some deep conversation for those of us more sensitive to these things. All present that night happen to be very sensitive.

Discussion turned to wolves. You see, I have a bit of an obsession with wolves. Native American tribes might have called it my totem or spirit guide. I have always loved these beautiful hunters. For me my connection goes deeper though. You see I once went on a vision quest. Now it is story time with Mike:

Years ago I lived in Utah out on the Wasatch Front. It was late spring and the weather was spectacular. I decided to go camping in the forests near my home in Pason on the south end of the Wasatch Front. I took minimal provisions including a hunting knife and warm clothing. I took no tent, little extra food, and a canteen.

I fasted for three days and spent much of my time in meditation. I stayed near a small stream in a clearing where I could watch the sun set and see the valley below. On the third day as I meditated I grew weak with hunger. As I opened my eyes from meditation I heard quiet footsteps off to my right coming out of the trees.

As my eyes scanned the woods, I saw a Timber Wolf slowly emerging from the trees. I stayed motionless as he moved closer until we were face to face. He looked me in the eye for a moment that seemed like years. I could feel his breath.

Slowly he left my little clearing, going back the way he came. Stopping once to look back at me and then disappearing into the woods forever.

I truly believe that each person has an inner animal, totem, or spirit guide that molds who they are. I am a wolf. My wife is a cat. Denise, is a fellow wolf. Still not 100% sure about Arika. What is your inner beast?

Free at Last! (Will code for food)

Today was one hell of a day. This morning I woke up like any other. Then we got accepted for a new apartment and quit my job. I am back on the job market and considering I have far more experience than last time I was on the market I actually have a snowball's chance in hell. In the meantime, anyone need a web geek to program them a site in return for rent money? We move in to the new place on the 15^th and hopefully all will go well. Till then we are staying with the in-laws. Just think, we can now have the party at our place! If any of my out of town readers are ever in Corpus, swing by for Margarita madness.

Cowboy Butt Sex

I went to see Brokeback Mountain a few weeks ago and thought it was a great film. Afterwards we discussed cowboy butt sex and I decided at that point it would be a great post title. Not only is it catchy but will draw search engines into bringing me the butt sex crowd. Not that I am into that but they are perverts and thus should fit in nicely with my readers. That and you must admit, butt sex is fun to say. Almost cathartic in a way. Go ahead and say it loud and proud with me, "BUTT SEX." See how much better you feel. Now clean out your desk, you just got fired...pervert...

In other news, on the Today show I heard Matt mention a story headline that basically said, "If people could not lie without getting caught, would the world be better or worse?" I say it would make the world far worse. I know you all expect me to go into a big long explanation citing philosophy and moral relativism but instead I will let you come to your own conclusions why I answered like that. Post your conclusions to your various blogs and link back to this post. (See, I just started a meme...)

Micro$oft is back in the news with the Beta program for Windoze Dead, I mean Windows Live. Here is a REALLY bad idea. Lets have Micro$oft host all of your personal data. Your dirty email from you secretary, Micro$oft has it. Your porn favorites, Micro$oft has it. The dirty email you wrote you boss posing as a co-worker, Micro$oft has it. And none of this shit will be free. Just because I am paranoid does not mean they aren't out to get me.

I know this post has been kind of random but that is pretty normal now that I think about it.

Site updates

As you can see I have made some minor tweaks to the page by turning the image from the tattoo I will soon get into a wallpaper and changing my profile image. I never did give proper credit for the portrait that resides as my new profile image. That work of art was created for me by Brock, who I now proclaim official artist of Untitled Life.

Just thought I'd give credit where it is due. If you would like a portrait from Brock, visit here.

The next Moses

I don't have any one specific idea for today's post so I am just going to type my thought stream until someone steals my keyboard.

I designed a tattoo for my right shoulder I think is cool.

I think I did a decent job.

My dad was visiting with the Stake President of our local church who told him I was really close to having my priesthood restored when I went inactive. Please note, I had been waiting for over a year and a half for the paperwork to submit for the restoration of my priesthood and heard nothing but "soon". I almost laughed so hard my Monster came out my nose. That would be a waste of caffeine. Aside from my complete lack of faith, I enjoy beer too much to go back to that crap. Any church that can be so disorganized as to not even be able to get paperwork to me for a year and a half is wasting my time. I guess they are using the same sense of "soon" the Apostle Paul was using when he said the second coming was "nigh at hand" roughly 2000 years ago.

On that note, I am continuing in my philosophical studies and will soon post some of my own philosophical pontification (also read bullshit) regarding the existence of God and my two bits worth on Plato's concept of duality.

Maybe I should even write my own "religious" text.

The book of Michael, 1:1
"And behold in the year one thousand and nine hundred and seventy eight there was born Michael, prophet, windbag, narcissist, and bullshit master and from him poured forth the holy word of a fool. I mean holy word of God. Yeah. God. That's the ticket. Ignore the fool remark. That never happened."

Maybe I could be the next Moses...you don't know...it could happen...

Nobody has taken my keyboard yet so I guess I'll just keep typ

I am not old...

Jasmine turned 6 today. I feel old. We went to Chuck E. Cheese and will be going to McDonald's tonight for the big party. I still remember when she was so small she fit in the palm of my hand. Now her head won't even fit in the palm of my hand. I was 21 when she was born. Now I am 27.

I have grown my goatee out which is close to the facial hair configuration I had the day she was born. The only reason I even remember that is moments after she was born she reached for my face with her tiny hand and touched my chin. The first sensation she felt was daddy's beard. She was premature and only weighed 5 pounds 6 ounces. She literally shot out of her mother so fast the doctor had left the room and I had to catch along with a frantic nurse. She was then whisked away by the neo-natal ICU staff because her lungs weren't fully developed and the oxygen in her blood was WAY too low. The whole night I sat by her bed in the ICU with her tiny hand wrapped around my finger. I only left the next day when the nurses checked her oxygen and assured me she was out of the woods. Now, six years later, she is a thriving social butterfly. I'd post more but I have to take her to McDonald's now...and then her wedding...kids grow up too fast.

What I'm known for

I just went through my site statistics and an alarming number of people found me by seraching for incest on the various search engines...so I am popular with the pervert set...somehow not suprising...

I am deaf, but I feel so fucking metal...

Last night Tiff and I went to Concrete Street Amphitheater with Sarah and my favorite metalhead, Denise. We saw Bullets and Octane, CKY, and Avenged Sevenfold. We missed the first band, Day of Contempt but came in just as Bullets and Octane started their set. They kicked ass and I bought their CD by the end of the night. Next up was CKY and they kicked ass as well. It is rare to have all of the opening bands burn down the house and still have the headliner live up to the part. Avenged Sevenfold so totally did. Hence the total hearing loss in my right ear and the partial loss in my left.

We stayed by the sidelines for the first two bands but while the roadies readied the stage for A7X Denise and I worked our way to the 4^th row stage right, just out of range for the band to sweat on us, just in range to see the AWESOME guitarist that is Syn and bassist that is Johnny Christ. Denise got some awesome photos and the crowd actually behaved like a real metal crowd, there for the music and not to kick each others skull in.

It was so fucking cool to feel the press of the pit screaming and banging my head to real metal, throwing the horns and feeling like I'm back in college down in the pit at Pantera. Speaking of Pantera, A7X covered Walk and I swear to God, Denise looked up at me and we both almost had a fucking heart attack. By the first chorus we were screaming the lyrics.

For anyone who has never experienced a real metal show, I highly recommend A7X. It is a show you won't soon forget. The crush of the pit is something everyone should experience at least once before they die. Especially with a true metalhead like Denise. You rock D.

Fun with HTML and a random resolution generator

Ok, so I took a random resolution generator and created a list of resolutions. Now I just have to do them...
In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Blame Canada.
Be more ganster than Snoop Dogg.
Not lose any pencils.
Be on cops.
Molest more hamsters.

Get your resolution here

Fo' rizzle Canada bes' not be gankin' my pencils o' I be all up ins they shizzle bitches. Now all I have left is to be on cops and give some hamsters Jesus Juice...

And now we return to our regularly scheduled bullshit...

Topping our news, I got an email from a friend (whose tin foil hat I forgot to compliment, it is very cool) about the gross things she and her husband come up with. It reminded me of a conversation my wife and I had with a friend of ours about dead baby.

Let me back up just a bit. Our friend had just gotten back from a speech and debate tournament (lets face it, these kids are warped) where someone had said she was so hungry she could eat a dead baby. Fast forward to our friend getting home and quoting this kid when we met at the Taqueria Acapulco (famous for corn chips fried in crack that keep you coming back even though the food sucks) for dinner and you might have an idea where this conversation went. Your idea would of course be wrong.

To start it off someone had said, "Mmmm tastes like chicken" to which I replied, "Actually it would probably be a red meat" being ever the stickler for accuracy that I am. It was decided that it should be the number 12 and served with fries and a drink... or possibly crack chips and salsa. Acapulco could use the menu upgrade. Soylent Green is people...yum...

Teardrops of a clown

I want to write something today. I haven't posted of late and wanted to do at least an "I am here" post. I have spent the morning trying to find something funny to write but I can't. My brain is a mess. Events this morning have me analyzing where I am.

In my career I am stuck in mind numbing doldrums. I work for my parents and we live with them. I quit and "voila", it is sleeping on a park bench. I am caged.

In my marriage, my career is destroying it. My wife has zero respect for my job because I am paid with housing. There is little actual cash involved and since she has a normal 9-6 job she cannot see the value of my job. As you all know, I have a big ego and having to swallow it to keep the peace is not an easy task. Add to that we have no privacy and my parents are driving us mad. We had a fight today that went from zero to shit storm in no time flat. My last words to her were "FUCK OFF" and to be honest, I'm not sure why. When I got home I stopped outside and cried. I had no reason to treat her like that. No excuse for that behavior. I feel like scum.

In my spiritual life, my faith is dead. I know my atheist friends are giving a tiny hooray but for me it feels empty. I spent my life believing I had a Father up above looking out for me. I had a brother in Christ who died for me. I had the promise of eternal life with my wife and kids by my side. It is disorienting at best for that to just suddenly end. It hurts to think death will part me from my wife and kids. It hurts me so deep inside I cannot find the source.

My head is swimming. I feel like a caged beast. Thoughts of rage, fear, panic, and hate scream drowning hope and faith.

For those who come here to laugh, I am sorry to let you down today. Now you have witnessed the teardrops of a clown.